If Only For The Heat of The Moment My Dear
by HeatofDestiel
Summary: Dean had to get away. He had to find himself, figure out his future and not let his past hold him down. A new job, new friends, a new hope for the broken man he was becoming. *Note it starts in 1997 in an alternate world where there are no supernatural beings*
1. If Only

**Howdy, This is gunna be my first story I am posting out to the public and trust me this is only the first piece. If I get a good feedback then I will post more.**

**So yea have fun y'all, sorry its so short.**

-**_Angel Crisps_**

Dean had grown tired of the world he was living in. At the age of 18 he had grown sick of hearing his father argue with Sam about his future. It had been a constant argument since Sam turned 13 and refused to work with Dad, Bobby and himself at the repair shop. Dad took it as a personal insult after Sam said he thought working on cars was a job for people with low IQ points. Now the two barely spoke and Dean was stuck in the role of messenger whenever an important event came up that everyone needed to be aware of. It was extremely tiring and Dean was sick of it.

On May 12th 1997 Dean snuck from his home in Lawrence Kansas, He did not plan on coming back. He put his goodbye letter on his Impala that he had inherited from his father, He couldn't leave without some form of goodbye. He also left a leather jacket of his on the front seat, Sammy would like it, He knew. He picked up his duffel bag of clothing and essentials and walked away from the only home he ever knew.

Dean had been walking for two days before he came to his first destination, a bus station where he caught a bus to Huntsville, Alabama where his destiny would await him. The bus ride was long and gave Dean a sore neck along with a charlie horse in his calf. Once at the station he began walking until he found a diner not far from a motel with decent rates. Upon walking in he was hit with the smell of freshly made pancakes and couldn't help but feel his eyes close. He remembered when Dad's ex girlfriend Anna would make pancakes that tasted like heaven, such a shame she turned out to be the devil.

"Ey brother, what can I get ya today?" the question came from a man in his thirties with brown facial hair

Dean stepped towards the counter and sat at a stool not quite sure what to say yet.

"Um, I was wondering if you had any job openings? I am a fast learner and willing to get my hands dirty." Dean flashed a smile at the man along with some pleading eyes, if he didn't find a job tonight he was screwed. He needed more money, knowing that a paycheck was coming his way could set a lot of his worries to the side.

"Let me get the guy you need for ya, just hold tight brother." The man went into the back for a moment and came back with a younger boy with black ruffled hair.

Dean was speechless as the boy made eye contact, he was faced with the blue crisp eyes of an angel. The boys features softened with concern.

"Sir? Are you alright?" The boy asked

Dean nodded as he regained his thoughts.

"Yes, Yea I am great. Um I am Dean, Dean Winchester." He held out his hand for the stranger to take.

The boy gripped his hand tight and gave him a smile that made the boys face wrinkle around his eyes.

"I am Castiel Engel."


	2. Brother!

**Well, despite not getting any feed back I shall post another chapter. So yall can read, its longer because I added two parts in this one, goodie!**

**Message, review, favorite! Please and thank ya!**

**_-Family, Brother!_**

Dean found himself sat down with Castiel in a corner booth of the diner. Castiel smiled, his light skin greatly evident against his light blue vest. Castiel had explained the basics of working in the diner but they still had a few things to speak about before Dean was given a blue vest.

"Here at Michael's Kitchen we are a really personable crew. We are open, honest and we have had a lot of problems with people not being able to open up to their fellow coworkers. So what I would like is to know a little more about you Dean. Keep in mind that if you wish something to remain private, between you and I" He motioned to himself then to Dean with his finger "Then my lips are sealed until you feel comfortable telling the others." Castiel smiled warmly to Dean.

He let out a shaky sigh and nodded.

"I left home about a week ago, my family has been… unconventional for a while. My mother passed away one night in a workplace fire. My father became an alcoholic and lost his job but gained one with a family friend, my Uncle Bobby. I have a younger brother, Sam, he is only 14 but man does he have a brain on him." Dean smiled softly at the mention of Sammy. "My father and brother don't exactly see eye to eye on where Sam should go in the future. Sam wants to become a lawyer while my father want him to become a mechanic like my father and I. They fought constantly and I just had to get away from it all, so I came here."

"Dean… I am so sorry for your mother's death and fathers addiction. I can tell this all hasn't been easy for you. How many years did you work as a mechanic?"

"Uh, I guess around 8 years if you count my first few engine lessons." Dean shrugged then looked back to see Castiel had that same worried expression as before.

"You must have had to grow up rather quickly I presume."

"I looked after Sam most of the time. I did what my dad asked for, I knew he needed me to be strong for him so I was." Dean thought back to his days of cooking for Sam while dad was passed out in a chair with the television blaring in the room beside the kitchen.

Castiel nodded for a moment and let silence fall then ushered towards the man with the beard;

"Benny, can you speak with Dean here for a moment? I gotta get some of the forms and a vest." He smiled as the man nodded.

Dean looked up as Castiel got up and was replaced with the man with the beard, Benny.

"No problem Brother." Benny smiled and looked at Dean "So, you are joinin' the family big man!" His smile only grew and was contagious.

Castiel returned with a release form and a blue vest and handed them both to Dean who quickly read the release form and signed his name.

"Welcome to the family. You start tomorrow at 7:30, you get $8.50 an hour and work 9 hours a day." Castiel smiled and hugged Dean as he stood

Deans body went rigid at the unexpected physical contact and waited up Castiel was done before nodding and heading out the door.

He kissed the vest and headed to the motel room he had rented. He spent the rest of the night listening to old rock music and attempting to figure out what to wear under his vest tomorrow. His dirty old ripped up jeans probably wouldn't work too well but he couldn't afford to buy new pants until he got at least two paychecks, he did have to factor in food and renting the room for longer. He sighed and cleaned off the bed and changing into his night shirt and shorts and curled into his bed for his first nights sleep in his new town.

-**_Melty Feelings_**

Dean had been working at the diner for two months now and had fallen into a steady schedule of work, hanging out with Benny, Castiel, Jess and Charlie. Jess and Charlie worked odd hours but were the best girls Dean had ever met. Jess was still in high school and Charlie could work from home on computer programming jobs.

"Deanie!" Charlie called over the counter hitting the serving bell a dozen times as Dean walked out from the back room

"What! What do you need!?" He hollered in heavy disappointment, he had just sat down for his break when the redhead decided she needed him.

"Castiel wants to see you in his office pronto." She pointed to the corner booth where Dean could see the black scruff of hair poking out.

"Do you know what it's about?" He asked nervously

"He is gunna propose to you. He is MADLY in love with you. Just like Anakin and Padme." She winked at Dean and began making kissing noises

Dean shook his head and walked toward the corner booth where Castiel was sitting, whispering to himself. He slid into the opposite side of the booth and made eye contact with those sea blue eyes that Dean wanted to melt in. Wait what? Melt in? No no Dean Winchester does not melt into eyes. No.

"Hello Dean." Castiel nodded towards him, he nodded back

"What did you need me for?" He was hoping for him to just say you know something like extra hours, even a pay cut would be better than losing his job completely. Dean had grown to love every one he worked with in the diner, especially Castiel. They spent a lot of their free time hanging out with each other and just doing average things that young boys do. Castiel was only 20 and still knew how to have a good time unlike boring Benny who wanted to watch movies all day in the dark.

"You know that we have become rather close in our short time as friends correct?" Castiel was looking at the table, not at Dean directly

"Yea of course I know."

"Well I was curious. Would you possibly be looking into becoming my roommate?" He finally made eye contact and Dean let out the breathe he had been holding in and put his head on the table.

"Dean? Are you alright?"

"I thought I was getting fired but all you wanted was to make me your roommate!?" Dean laughed and held his hands behind his neck then smiled at the blue eyes, black haired moron who sat across from him "I would love to move in with you. You can drive me to work." Dean gave a cheeky smile and watched as one developed across Castiel's face

"One question though, why do you need a roommate?"

"Marve moved out, said something about needing to focus on his readings. When would you like to move in?" Castiel stood up and slid his hands into his khaki pockets.

"How about I bring my duffel bag to work with me, slip it into your car and then we head their after work tomorrow?" Dean said leaning against the side of the table

Castiel nodded and hugged Dean. Dean cared for Castiel, but had yet to ever hug him back. Every day Castiel, Benny, Jess and Charlie hugged him and the only one who got a response was Charlie who and to quote told everyone 'Suck it bitches'. Castiel let him go and they returned back to their jobs. The dinner rush was rather large since the movie theater right down the road had premiered at least 2 new movies. After cleaning all the tables Dean got to head back to his motel room and collapse on his bed. God was he tired but he had a hollow feeling in his chest. For some reason he felt the urge to call Sammy, check on him, ask how his school year had ended, just make sure that his little brother was doing alright. Dean held his cell phone in his hands, he had bought it 3 weeks ago to keep in contact with Castiel, Jess, Benny and Charlie. His dad had never allowed him to have his own cell phone before, believed it would turn Dean into a spoiled brat. He had put in his fathers number, bobbys and their old home phone just in case an emergency had occurred. With hesitant fingers Dean scrolled to the home phone number and pushed 'call'.

"Winchester residence." A young Sam said through the receiver

"Hi Sammy." Dean breathed out shakily and a smile formed on his lips, one drenched with a homesick feeling.

"Dean! Where are you!? Everyone has been looking for you!" Sam was obviously not expecting Dean to call at 10:20 on a Thursday night after being gone for two month with no contact

"Well call off the search. How are things going Bitch?" Deans smile laid comfortably on his face

"Things went to shit Jerk. Dad has been drinking more, I am going to Bobbys tomorrow while Dad tries to sort things out." Sam's voice held a bit of what Dean could tell was resentment.

"Why did you leave me here Dean?" His voice was soft and made a lump grow in his throat

"Sammy you are still in school, I couldn't just up and take you. That would have been kidnapping, I left for a new start, not to become a felon."

"You left me here with Dad! You know we don't get along and you left me here. You know how he gets when he drinks and you left. You put yourself above everyone else Dean and didn't even think about me, or dad, Bobby, Jo or even Lisa." Dean could hear the tears streaming down Sams face and pushed his palm against his eyes

"Sammy, sometimes you have to put yourself first so you don't get pulled down trying to save everyone else." He wanted to pull Sammy into a hug, it had always been Dean's job to take care of him and Sam crying was Deans kryptonite.

"Goodbye Dean." The line went dead and Deans head fell. He had known his father would start drinking more but he now worried for Sammy. He looked at his phone again for a moment and called Bobby, hoping he would still be up.

After about 3 rings Dean felt defeated just as a voice came through;

"Whatever you are selling I don't need it."

"Bobby?"

"You better have a good reason for calling me ya Idjit. Boy I have had to deal with a lot of your messes in the past but this is a new one Dean. Your father has straight run himself into the ground and Sam.. Dean how could you just up and leave him out of the blue?" He sounded disappointed and that killed Dean.

"I couldn't breathe there Bobby. You know dad, you know the way he is. He may drink, he may say he hates Sam but we both know he doesn't mean that. You know how we treated me, even at work he couldn't show me any hint of respect. I had to get out Bobby. I know it was wrong to leave Sammy but I had to get out and I stick by that." Dean felt the water brim around his eyes

Bobby gave out a sigh that Dean had heard too many times when he had gotten into trouble and called Bobby to bail him out. Bobby was always so dependable and Dean relied on him when the school needed to call someone. Excusing his father by lying about a business trip, when in reality he was passed out drunk unable to save his troubled son.

"Dean, have you called Sam yet?"

"I just finished speaking with him, he is mad. I get it, I would be mad too." Dean rolled his lips together "Just keep an eye on him for me Bobby, please."

"Well someone has to keep an eye on you Igjits. So what are you doing now that you are on your own?"

Dean went on to explain how he found himself working at the diner, not giving away his location knowing full well that Bobby would track him down and yank him back to Lawrence by the ear. He spoke fondly of Charlie and Benny but he zoned in on telling Bobby all about Castiel and their plans on moving in together. Bobby laughed at some lame jokes and stories Dean mentioned. They spoke for a while before Dean decided to go to bed promising to call again in a week to check in.


	3. Intensity

_**I NEED YALL TO READ THIS!**_

_**FROM THIS CHAPTER ON IT IS GOING TO BE VERY INTENSE WITH ADULT THEMES. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DO NOT CONTINUE ON WITH THIS STORY IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE FOLLOWING: **_

_**SEXUAL ABUSE**_

_**DOMESTIC ABUSE**_

_**HEAVY ABUSE AND OVERALL THEMES OF ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS. **_

**_PLEASE. BE SAFE AND BE PREPARED IN THE CHAPTERS ONWARD. THANK YOU FOR READING_**

-Tough Spot

Dean had settled pretty easily into sharing a home with Castiel. They often spent nights together watching an old movie and falling asleep together on the couch and nothing was different on this often found himself watching Castiel during the movies, seeing his face wrinkle as he smiled at a scene or worryingly as someone lay dangling at the end of a cliff or staring into the barrel of a gun. Dean would describe his feelings for Castiel as a crush, but who could blame him? He was aware that Castiel had a girlfriend, granted she lived hundreds of miles away but Dean still respected her enough to not put the moves on Castiel. He was still unsure if Castiel had ever even dated another guy, let alone had an attraction to them. Castiel was a pretty attractive guy, and Dean did in fact want to kiss his chapped lips while they sat on the couch watching an old western. Dean had noticed that Castiel fell asleep once again on his shoulder, but instead of waking him up as he normally would he simply repositioned so that Castiel was sleeping peacefully on top of him with his head on Dean's chest and a thin blanket covering the two of them.

Dean awoke to his alarm going off but could still feel the weight of Castiel on top of him. Castiel groaned and pressed his face into Dean.

"I do not want to work today." His muffled voice and disheveled hair made Dean feel oddly at home.

"I don't think anyone wants to work buddy." Dean ran a hand over his own face and looked down at the 20 year old boy on his chest. Castiel had curled himself perfectly into Dean and seemed to pout as his bed sat up and stretched.

"Lets just stay home." Castiel sat up and rubbed his eyes

"We can't leave Benny alone at the diner Cas." Dean stood up then stopped realizing what he had just said

"Did you just call me Cas?"

"Well it is a shortened version of your name.." Dean walked to the bathroom to leave Cas be for a moment.

No one had ever given Castiel a nickname before, aside from his girlfriend Ruby who called him Clarence for some reason. Castiel found a warm sensation growing in his chest as he thought of Dean being the one to call him a new name. He stood and walked to his room to dress from work. Dean stood in the bathroom staring at himself in the mirror. He knew he had just stepped closer to Cas than he had ever planned but at 7:30 he had no patience to say Cas' full name. From now on he would only say Cas because it was a hell of a lot simpler. He showered and walked out to find Cas sitting on the couch with his phone to his ear.

"Yes Ruby I am aware of the situation. I am not an idiot." Cas had a sharp tone to his voice, one that Dean was not use to and not fond of.

"If you feel that would be best then do as you wish. Yes I am sorry as well. Goodbye Ruby." Cas threw his phone hard against the wall in a sudden flash of anger

Dean flinched watching the phone fly apart as Cas stormed to his room and slammed the door shut. The noises that followed were that of books against the ground, Cas' hollow sobs and glass shattering. Dean was worried and knocked against Cas' door lightly and cleared his throat.

"Hey Cas, I am gunna head for work. I will tell Benny you are staying home today. Call if you need anything alright? And buddy please, don't get into any trouble." Dean was concerned but it was not his place to pry into Cas' life. He made sure he had put an extra note pad with his phone number out where Cas would see it.

Dean had been bussing tables when another customer walked in.

"Dean can you seat the next customer, Charlie just had to run to the bathroom." Jess called from the kitchen

Dean walked over to the guy who had his back turned to him and threw the wash rag over his shoulder.

"Is it just you sir?" Dean pulled out a menu and smiled at the guy.

His smile only grew as the guy turned around.

"Well well well the rumors are true. Mr. Dean Winchester is alive." The guy threw his arms around Dean and kissed his cheek

"Crowley! What are you doing here?" Dean clung to his old friend

"I came to find your dumb ass. I go to Lawrence looking for you but nope you skipped down. Came out to buttfuck nowhere. You are an imbecile." Crowley winked at Dean who was still holding Crowleys shoulders

"Dean? You good here Brother?" Benny came up beside him wiping his hands against a rag

"Yea! I- I'm awesome! Benny this is my friend Crowley."

"Aww come on squirrel admit it, we are besties." Crowley smiled and shook Bennys hand

"Nice to finally meet a friend of Deans. Kid has been here alone for the past few months."

Dean shrugged then asked if he could take a break to catch up with his old friend. Benny told Dean to just head home for the day and let Dean take a couple boxes of food so he could give it to Cas when he got home. Dean and Crowley climbed into Crowleys small black car.

Dean felt Crowley slam his lips against his and they instantly fell back into their old sync. Crowley held Deans face lightly along his jawline while Dean gripped his shoulder

"Glad to see you missed me." Crowley smirked leaning back into his seat

"Same to you." Dean leaned over him and planted a kiss onto his cheek

"So why are you here exactly Crowley?"

"Is it a crime to miss my old boyfriend?" He looked into Deans green eyes with conviction

Dean looked at his hands and let out a sigh "Do you not remember what you did to me?"

"That was an accident Dean. And you know it." Crowley growled

"Accident! You fucking pointed a gun in my face and threatened to kill me and my brother!" Dean was flooded with memories of his torturous romance with Crowley. 3 years of pure joy wrapped in a blanket of terror. Dean was feeling panic in his chest and was now scared he upset Crowley.

Dean sunk to his side of the car and felt his breath quicken.

"You know better than to raise your voice to me Winchester." Crowley looked directly into Deans now wide eyes. "What's your address." Crowley stated, not asking but demanding.

Dean gave the address and flinched as Crowley took his hand mid-drive.

"You know I care for you very dearly. So stop creating problems to run away Dean. Just enjoy our time together." Dean nodded solemnly towards him. Dean wanted to both rip his hand away and jump out of the car but also fall into tears and be surrounded by Crowleys strong, protective arms.

When they pulled up to the apartment building Crowley grabbed a bag from his back seat and flung it over his shoulder before grabbing Deans hand again. While in the elevator Crowley kissed Dean with passion, that was his way of apologizing for scaring him and Dean accepted it as he always did. Dean unlocked the door and heard the sound of a movie in the livingroom.

"Hey Cas! Hope it is alright, I have a friend with me. I also have some food from Benny for you." Dean placed the boxes in the kitchen and saw Cas sitting on the couch. He looked up at Dean for a moment then turned his attention to the stranger in his doorway. A boy with a thick build but was obviously muscular. His black hair matched his petticoat and contrasted against his pearl white teeth.

"Hello Mate. I'm Crowley." The boy stuck his hand out and Cas stood to shake it.

"Crowley is an old friend from my old town, hope it is okay if he stays a day or two. He wont get in your way, I promise." Dean walked over by the two men who had been staring at each other. It looked as if they were trying to assert dominance.

Crowley snaked his arm around Dean's waist. "Oh yes, just the best of friends." He smirked at Cas

"This is your home too Dean. Feel free to invite your friends over. As long as they do not touch my things I have no problem with it." Cas walked zombie like to the kitchen

Crowley yanked Dean in front of him and kissed him forcefully, holding Dean tightly to his body. Dean couldn't complain, he always loved how Crowley had an unfillable need to have Dean close to him at all times. Dean wished that Crowley could have been more gentle though, Crowley did strike fear into Dean's heart and that would always be an unbreakable barrier for their romance.

"Come on squirrel. Show me your room." Crowley demanded breaking the kiss

Dean nodded and gave him a tour. Crowley said he would be taking a nap since his drive was so long. Dean sat in the living room replaying the events of his last encounter with Crowley a year ago. Cas sat beside Dean and just stared at him until he caught his attention.

"Dean." Cas said moving a bit closer "What is your relation to Crowley exactly?" Dean thought for a moment thinking about what the proper term for the relationship was

"He is my ex boyfriend." Dean stated simply

"Then why do you act as if you are dating?" Cas tilted his head and Dean felt his stomach flip

"Crowley is possessive over me, I don't question why he does things anymore. It is better for everyone when he gets what he wants and right now he wants to use me as a physical relationship."

"You are scared of him." Cas said pulling at a bit of loose string on the blankets "And he shouldn't use you like that."

Dean looked away from Cas, how did Cas know Dean was damn near petrified of him?

"You can tell me what is wrong Dean. Remember if you don't want me to share something I wont."

"Crowley has a temper, he can get mad at me and I deserve it. He just has problems with words, he conveys a message better through his fists." Dean zoned in on Cas' eyes and saw something he did not like. Anger, pure unfiltered anger. Dean had to defuse this bomb before anything happened.

"He has hit you?" Cas' eyes had hardened. When Dean didn't answer he stood up, ready to smash Crowley's brain in.

"Cas please. I know Crowley is a rough guy but he means so much to me. Trust me he is a nice guy when you look deep down." Dean had his hand on Castiel's shirt sleeve and pulled him back down to the couch

"Dean he abused you."

"Just a few broken bones. Nothing that couldn't be fixed." Dean gave a smile.

Castiel just stared at the boy in front of him, the boy with olive skin and eyes as green as grass. He had never imagined a boy such as Dean being abused by anyone, let alone a significant other. Dean did not see the abuse he received as a problem, but a punishment that he deserved. Cas was at a loss. He wanted to scoop Dean up and protect him from anyone like Crowley but he knew Dean would protest to doing anything about the Crowley problem.

"Dean… how did you and Crowley end?"

Dean let out a long shaky sign before pulling himself towards Cas.

"We had been dating for three years, he was moving away in our senior year. He was stressed and I didn't help at all. We had been arguing and he was just so mad all the time. I was over at his house and we had been fooling around and um" A blush came to Deans face "I didn't want to have sex, I had bruises from one of the beatings Crowley had given me, and I just was uninterested. Crowley was upset at me for not wanting him and began to hit me. I called Sam who was a few houses down at his friends house and told him we were heading home. I didn't know what Crowley was gunna do. I stormed out of his house after he tried to shove his hand down my pants and waited by my car for Sam. Crowley followed me outside and was yelling at me. Sam ran up before Crowley could hit me more than he had and stepped in between us. Crowley pulled out a gun and I froze. I pushed Sam into the car and tried to talk Crowley down." Dean pulled his knees up to his chest as a tear escaped his eye. "Crowley threatened to kill Sammy and I broke down. I saw the boy I loved holding a gun to my forehead and I knew I had to get out. I got into my car and drove off. Crowley moved away right after that and I was done. I sat in my room alone most of the time. My grades dropped and I flunked out, started working full time. And that was the last time I was with Crowley until today." Dean had not been watching Cas as he told the story. Dean did not want pity, or anything like that from Cas.

Cas held his hands in tight fists. He was angry. Dean was a saint, a guy who deserved the best but kept getting handed shit. The thought of a bruised, broken Dean with tears rushing down his face begging to be loved would not leave Castiels mind. Cas stood and pulled Dean up with him closing him tight to his chest. Dean felt something break in his heart and the tears spilled freely. He cried heavily into Cas' chest and gripped him tight as if he would disappear like every other support he had ever had. Castiel stood and rocked the crying boy who had been strong for too long.

Dean fell asleep in Cas' lap around midnight. He had not stopped crying until Cas started to gently sing him a calming lullaby. They sat on the couch, Dean's head resting gently in Cas' lap while Cas stroked his hand through the sandy blonde hair. They sat in silence until Dean slept then Cas switched a pillow in his spot and stared at him. When Castiel had first met Dean he seemed like a problem guy, someone who would push Cas around when he was in high school. He had never suspected Dean to be gay or have been in an abusive relationship, but here he sat looking upon the tear stained face of a broken soul who didn't know what a treasure he really was. Cas walked to his room and fell asleep with dreams of killing anyone who ever hurt Dean Winchester.


	4. Crowley

**Hey yall! this chapter is really short but I will probably post again later. **

**THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS ADULT THEMES. SEXUAL ABUSE AND DOMESTIC ABUSE. PLEASE DO NOT READ IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THEM. **

**This chapter was hard to write, it is based partly off of a personal experience so please, don't criticize it too badly. **

Crowley had awoken Dean at 3am with a rough kiss. Dean was not in the right state to deal with him, he was exhausted from crying and not too fond of Crowley with the memories fresh in his mind from recounting them all to Cas. Dean shoved him away and rolled over on the couch. He must have fallen asleep while on Cas' lap but Cas was no where in the livingroom. Crowley pulled Dean back over by the neck of his shirt.

"You do not. Do Not. push me away Winchester." Crowley stratled Dean and wrapped a forceful hand around Dean's neck. Dean was now wide awake and scared shitless. Was Crowley gunna kill him? Was Cas gunna find Dean dead on his couch?

"Why do you always look so scared? Come on lets go to your room. I have missed that body of yours." Crowley pulled Dean up by his neck and practically dragged Dean to his room. Dean had never felt worse about himself. Crowley had beaten the shit out of him and practically raped him. Dean hadn't said no but he also hadn't said yes. Dean took a long shower, crying to himself, trying to get as clean as he possibly could but no matter what he did he felt as if he were covered in grime. He skulked out of the bathroom and ran into Cas. Dean fell to the floor and screamed in agony. He sat on the floor curled up trying to ignore the burning pain coming from his backside.

Cas was knelt next to Dean obviously concerned. "Dean? Dean what's wrong? Look at me please." Castiel was begging, hoping that his fears of what he heard last night had not been true.

Dean's emerald eyes met Cas' and a breath was sucked out of his lungs. Dean's lip was split, a deep purple hickey sat on his jawline, but the most obvious was a blue bruise around his eye. Castiel felt as if he was going to be sick. He had heard cries in the middle of the night, the sound of a struggle. He simply thought it was it television, that maybe it was coming from another house. That he hadn't failed to protect Dean.

"Morning mates. Dean you look well." Crowley walked past the two boys on the floor and went towards the kitchen. Cas went to stand but Dean pulled him back down.

"C-Can you help me get dressed for work please?" Dean asked avoiding eye contact. Dean knew he would only find pity from Castiel and refused to accept it. Cas slowly helped him up and into Dean's bedroom where there was still blood on the floor. Cas quickly spun around and lead Dean to his room instead. Castiel sat Dean onto his bed gently and watched as Dean winced.

"Dean…" Cas was at a loss for words. Dean looked as if he had been killed from the inside out and Cas saw the tears brimming in Dean.

"Don't Cas. Just please help me get dressed." Dean was angry, not at Cas but himself. He had allowed Crowley to be so rough with him, he didn't fight back, he didn't even try to get him to stop beating him.

Dean attempted to take his shirt off but was met with a sharp crack and the wind being knocked out of him. Cas jumped up and grabbed Dean's hand.

"I am calling the hospital. Now." Cas dialled 911 before Dean could protest. Dean felt his chest rise and fall much faster than it should have. He had begun to think about what Crowley would say when he saw paramedics zoom through the apartment.

Cas noticed Dean having what looked to be a panic attack. He gently held deans face and looked into his eyes. He gently stroked his thumb against Dean's cheek and told him it would be alright. Cas knew it had to be okay, it had to be. Dean was a strong guy he would get through this, and Castiel would be there the whole time, He understood that Dean wanted to do this on his own but he needed to be told that he was being helped and there was no two ways around it. He would learn to accept the help.


	5. Take Care

**Thank you to those who are following this story it makes me very very happy. Someone did notice how Castiel's last name is the German version of Angel, thank you! That was my own personal little Easter egg. **

**This chapter is a bit less intense than the last one but more will be coming. I am going out tonight so i am not sure if I will have time to post another chapter but nonetheless, continue to read, follow, favorite, review, and tell others to read this story! We still have a LONG way to go and I have a bunch already written. **

**Have fun reading!**

Dean was laying in the hospital bed talking to Crowley. Castiel stood outside the window biting his nails. He was upset when Dean asked for him but complied. Dean had 5 broken ribs, a cracked hip joint, and needed 11 stitches for an open wound on his chest. Bruises covered his back and chest. The doctors said that Dean's collarbone had almost been shattered and that he was very very lucky. Castiel had called Benny and told him that Dean and himself would be unable to make it in today due to an injury. Benny of course got very worried and asked what had happened. Castiel said he would tell him everything later. Now staring at Dean and Crowley talking Cas wished he had someone to speak to about his frustrations. Crowley was no good and Dean had to see that once and for all. If Dean didn't realize this now then… next time Dean may not be as lucky as he was.

"Fuck you Winchester!" Castiel's head shot up as he heard Crowley yell from inside the room, he was towering over Dead with a finger upon his chest.

Castiel raced in and pulled Crowley away and shoved him against the wall and hoisted him up by his collar. "You touch a hair on Dean's head again and I will end you. I will crush you."

"Cas! Put him down please" Dean had an edge in his voice that made Castiel comply.

Castiel set down Crowley who simply scowled and stomped out of the room. Cas looked over at Dean then at the ground, he was slightly embarrassed at what he had just done.

"Dean I am sorry." He muttered before beginning to walk to the door

"Cas cas where are you going? Cas!" Dean called out with the scared voice of a child. Cas turned quickly around and was next to Dean's bedside.

"I am here Dean." He took hold of Dean's hand and squeezed gently.

Dean had fallen asleep holding Castiel's hand, refusing to let him get up. Dean was acting as if he had just been jumped in a dark alley. This was worse because Dean was jumped in his own home, with Cas just a few rooms away. Castiel still felt all the guilt in the world for not getting up and helping Dean when he heard the crying. Castiel observed Deans sleeping face, he looked very different since the last time Castiel had done this and it had not even been 24 hours since that. Dean held features of an angel as he slept, his skin smoothed out with no lines of worry, or of joy. Castiel stroked his cheek softly and rested along the side of the bed watching Deans rising and falling chest just to make sure he was in fact alive.

The door opened to reveal a rather tall, but young boy with long brown hair and an elderly man with graying facial hair and a vest on. The young boy ran to Dean's side, causing Castiel to stand even though he was not in the way.

"Dean… no" The boy said holding Deans hand rather tight

The elderly man cleared his throat and looked at Castiel.

"Who might you be?" The man was rather surly

"I am… I am Castiel, Dean lives with me."

The man nodded and stepped forward extending a hand,

"Bobby, Bobby Singer. Dean's Uncle. Nice to finally meet the man of mystery." The man had a strong grip on Castiel's hand and seemed to know something no one else did.

"It is nice to meet you, Dean has brought you up before." Castiel nodded towards the man then turned towards the boy beside Dean who was still gripping his hand tightly and attempting not to let tears fall

"That is Sam, Dean's brother. I am sure he has mentioned him before." Bobby motioned towards the boy.

Castiel watched the boy who seemed to be struggling to keep it all together. This was the famous Sam that Dean always spoke about with such pride and guilt. Castiel felt some strange sort of need to comfort the boy. He walked over and placed his hand gently on Sam's shoulder, which in turn caused Sam to stand and fall into Castiel's chest weeping heavily. Sam clung to Cas as he cried and shook his head.

"This is my fault! Its all my fault he is in here!" Sam cried and Cas began rubbing his back

"No Sam, it is not your fault. If anyone is at fault it is me. I should have stayed with Dean but I thought he would rest better on his own." Cas rubbed the young Winchesters back just as he had done for Dean.

"It is no ones fault." The rough, raspy voice can from a now awake Dean who was watching Cas and Sam.

Sam blinked and then hugged Dean ignoring his brothers winces. Bobby sat in the chair on the side of the room watching. He had come merely to watch over Sam, he knew Dean would be unhappy with them if they attempted to bring him back. He was glad to see Dean, not so glad under the circumstances but glad nonetheless. Sam explained how he had let it slip to Crowley that Dean was staying in Hunterville. Dean understood that Crowley probably threatened to hurt him if he didn't get an answer. Sam and Bobby stayed until Dean was about to be discharged, while Dean was speaking with a nurse about getting his doses in order Bobby pulled Castiel aside gently out of Sam's earshot.

"Now you listen here, Dean needs to be told how things are. Don't sugar coat shit for him. Tell him the risks of letting Crowley back into his life. He might actually listen to you. Be good to him Castiel, or I will string you up so quick angels won't even be able to save you." Bobby shook Castiel's hand and left after saying a goodbye to Dean.


	6. Oh Dear Dean

**Yay another chapter! I really like the way this story is going and I hope you guys do too. This chapter is rather serious and does contain some mention of suicide, so do not read if you are triggered or anything by that. I do not condone keeping suicidal thoughts to yourself and just for yall here is the number to the suicide hotline in the US, 1-800-273-8255. Remember to speak up and love yourself 3**

**Here we go:**

Cas helped Dean into their apartment and set him and his wheelchair in the livingroom. He still had to clean up the blood left in Deans room and hoped it hadn't ruined the wood too badly. As Cas collected some cleaning supplies Dean looked around and let out a heavy sigh. Cas looked over at him and realized he probably hated having to sit in that chair but with a cracked hip joint he was not allowed to move on his own for a while. A thick cast had been set in place to keep everything together until Dean's hip surgery in two days. Cas stood with the cleaning supplies and a rag, heading towards Dean's bedroom.

"Cas! No! Don't go in there!" Dean shouted loudly enough that Cas jumped at the urgency in Dean's voice

"Why not Dean?" Cas questioned worryingly that Dean may have left something out he didn't want seen

"He will be in there. I don't want you hurt. Stay out here. Stay with me, we can we can watch a movie and and nothing will go bad as long as you stay out of that room. Please?" Dean was breathing rather quickly and Cas walked over beside him and touched his face gently

"Dean, hey hey Dean look at me. Look at me for a second." Dean's eyes were darting around the apartment, probably expecting Crowley to pop out, but he finally fell upon the lakes of blue that were staring at him

"Cas I don't want him hurting you, don't go in there Cas please." a tear fell from Dean's eye and he broke into heavy sobs

Cas wrapped an arm around Dean and gently lifted him onto the couch and sat close beside him stroking his hair. He told Dean it was alright, that he wouldn't go in there and he would stay with Dean as long as Dead needed him. After the crying stopped they put a movie on and Dean watched Cas carefully as he got up and got a few snacks. Cas heard his phone going off from his bag he had thrown in his bedroom and he looked at Dean who was oblivious to the noise. Cas stood and felt a strong hand grab the bottom of his shirt.

"I just have to get my phone from my room. I won't even be a minute I promise." Cas gently removed Dean's hand and went into his room and retrieved the phone to answer it.

His heart froze as he held it to his ear. He was shocked to hear from Ruby, she had said she needed a break, yet here she was calling him two days later. He walked absentmindedly around his room for a moment while she explained that they really had to speak about what they were going to do. Cas heard a grunt from the living room and raced into it, seeing Dean holding his stitches.

"Ruby hold on. Dean, Dean are you alright?" Cas was looking at Dean's hand that was clasped to his chest

Dean nodded and gave a small shrug

"I went to reach the remote but my stitches did not like that option"

Cas nodded putting the remote into Dean's hand.

"I won't be long on the phone." Cas stated before turning his back to Dean "Okay Ruby, I am back."

"Listen Clarence, you need to stop trying to save everyone. Let that poor sap go out on his own and handle his business like an adult. I am your girlfriend. You have to put me before everything. Work, friends and your stupid fucking boy toy roommate!" Castiel knew Dean had heard every word Ruby had just said. And he was furious. How dare she? Why could she not accept that Castiel had his own friends, that he liked helping them out when he needed to.

"Ruby, if you dislike the direction my life is going in then I suggest you stay out of it. Permanently." He rubbed his head and shut his phone angrily. He sat beside Dean on the couch and grabbed the chips from the table.

Dean sat silently looking at his hands. He was just a stupid roommate to Cas. Just some dumb fool who had worked at the same diner as him, just some stranger that walked into his life and fucked everything up. He wished Crowley had just killed him, because knowing he was a burden to Cas broke his fucking heart. He wiped away a tear before it could fall but Castiel noticed and quickly shut the movie off.

"Dean?" He asked attempting to look at him "What's wrong? Is it your pain? I'll get your medicine."

Cas wasn't wrong, Dean was in pain, but this could not be solved with pills in a little orange bottle. He was a burden on Cas and everyone in his life, Sammy, Bobby, his father. Everyone Dean had contact with was miserable, that was obvious. When Cas handed him two white pills Dean swallowed them without water. Without even making eye contact with Cas, Dean leaned back into the couch and let his tears fall silently.

Cas watched as Dean fell apart. He couldn't imagine the amount of both physical and emotional pain he was in. Dean had loved Crowley, that was evident, and Crowley misused that love and hurt Dean. Physically Dean would make a full recovery but Castiel questioned if Dean could ever be able to handle a relationship again. Dean seemed to be shutting Castiel out which made Castiel worry more. He sat while Dean cried quietly to himself, he knew Dean did not want to be consoled right now, but sitting in the same room at least let Dean know that Cas was in fact there for him. Dean began muttering words of self hate to himself, Cas felt as if a knife was slowly being dug into his heart.

"You should just end it. You are a worthless piece of filth that has ruined everyones life." Dean muttered with a deep voice to himself.

At that point Cas could not take another word. He grabbed Dean's face firmly, tears now streaming down his face.

"You don't fucking talk that way about yourself Dean Winchester! You are not going anywhere for a very very long time! Everyone fucking loves you and you can't up and leave us!" Cas screamed into the green eyes, he begged for something to click in Dean's brain.

Dean stared into Castiel's eyes then closed the space between them with a kiss that made Dean forget about his pain, even if it was only for a moment. Dean noted how Cas had chapped lips but couldn't help but love how they felt against his. Dean and Cas fell into sync and the kiss deepened and they both became more comfortable. Dean felt tears stream down Cas' face and he pulled away.

"Cas, why are you crying?"

"You were just talking about killing yourself Dean." Cas whispered as if they had to keep it a secret

"Cas… I-" Dean was cut off and caught off guard by Cas kissing him suddenly with more conviction than before

Cas pulled away but stayed in front of Dean's face staring into his eyes.

"You are the most wonderful person I have ever met Dean. You are so so strong when you don't have to be. You try to take care of the world before you take care of yourself, you let the wrong people love you so for once please just let me be your rock. Take a rest. God knows you deserve it. Let me handle the problems of the world for a day." He kissed Dean softly and leaned his forehead against Dean's cheek. He felt as Dean's body began to sob heavily again and Cas moved Dean's head into his chest and rocked him

They sat together, Dean crying heavily into Cas' chest until he had no more tears. Cas had one question gnawing away at him. He waited until Dean was resting against his shoulder, playing with his hand.

"Dean?" Cas asked quietly in a whisper even though it was only the two of them in the apartment.

"Yea?" He sounded drained but attentive to Castiel.

"Have you ever, you know, tried?"

Dean thought for a moment, confused at what Cas was asking but then it hit him and he shrugged

"Twice, one was when I was 15 and again after the whole Crowley incident." His eyes were focused on his hands

Cas put his hand on top of Dean's and squeezed lightly.

"I know you wanna know how, well last year I tried to hang myself but when I was 15 I attempted to shoot myself with one of my dads guns, it was empty. He found me on the kitchen floor crying with the gun in my hands. He got really drunk that night and said some things I didn't want to hear." His voice shaked "Ya know, I tried really hard for him Cas. I tried to keep Sammy in line, to keep myself in line but it was hard taking care of everything. It was so hard Cas."

Castiel wrapped his arms tightly around Dean. He refused to let him be hurt anymore than he already was. He would take care of Dean if it was the death of him.


	7. Cast Me Away Castiel

**Howdy guys! Here is another Chapter for ya. It was brought to my attention that there was some confusion of who Castiel's girlfriend was, it was Meg. Ruby will make a star appearance later for those who like her. This chapter has got some feels in it, I would really like some more feedback if yall like this story or if I should stop. **

**We learn a lot about Castiel in this Chapter btw**

Dean had started physical therapy after his hip surgery and had even agreed to start counselling. Castiel had to go back to work and pick up a few of Dean's shifts here and there until he could work again. Benny had thrown a fit when Dean explained to him what happened and felt a bit out of the loop, he wanted to bash Crowley's teeth in. Now Benny made sure Dean got to his car safely and watched him as he greeted customers always anxious it would be Crowley. Charlie had been over to the apartment every day keeping Dean company and driving him places when she could, her and Dean texted non stop for a week which made Castiel a bit jealous.

Cas had grown use to helping Dean dress for work or bed or to head out. He liked getting to help Dean so much, even if Dean didn't always accept it right away. Castiel had not pushed Dean in their relationship. The most the two did was hold each other and give light kisses. There was not one night that Dean did not wake up crying and attempting to flee from the bedroom Cas and him had begun sharing. Cas would simply hold him tight to his chest until the cries subsided, he could not help Dean in any other way.

Dean felt like a burden at times to Castiel, that he was wasting everyones time. Dean would like nothing more than to be able to care for himself and get out of Cas' hair for a night. Charlie had been taking Dean on little trips attempting to distract him from himself and Benny had taken on a very over protective brotherly role. Everyone was trying to help Dean get better, but all he really wanted was to talk to his father. He had called a few times but each was met with voicemail or an unavailable. Dean was desperate to speak to the man that raised him, desperate enough to plan a trip back to Lawrence.

August in Lawrence was sticky and hot. Sam was already preparing to begin his advanced placement classes in two weeks. Dean and Cas arrived early one morning, hoping to catch John before he could begin drinking for the day. Sam opened the door in complete shock to see Dean standing with a grin on his face.

"Hey Sammy" Dean felt Sam wrap around him tightly. Sam had grown to be taller than Dean in the past few years

"Dean! Why didn't you say you were coming?"

"It came as a shock to me too." Castiel said and felt the young Winchester give him a strong hug that he returned

"Dad hasn't been answering my phone calls. And I really want to talk to him, is he up?" Dean stepped into his childhood home and noted how messy it was

"Dean… Dads been missing for a week." Sam watched his older brother carefully, trying to gage what kind of reaction was to follow

"A Week!? And no one thought it would be a good idea to tell me!?"

"Dean you are practically sane! I didn't want to put dads disappearance on top of your health issues!" The brothers now stood facing each other

"You have been here alone for a week Sammy! What if something had happened to you!? You should have called me or stayed with Bobby!" Dean ran his hand through his hair and gripped it tight.

Castiel stood watching them argue, unable to tell Dean that he had in fact known about Johns disappearance. Castiel knew that John Winchester had a drinking problem that developed around the time Dean turned 7. John had been a rather mean drunk and lead to Dean having many insecurities, and ultimately Dean's suicidal tendencies. Cas could not understand the loyalty or desperation Dean held for his father after all he had done to him, but it was an aspect that in some ways commanded Castiel's admiration.

"I am not 5 Dean. I can take care of myself, I have been doing it just fine without you being here." Sam had gone too far.

Dean stood staring at his brother for a few moments before picking up his bag and heading for the stairs.

"Come on Cas." Dean stomped up the stairs and into what use to be his bedroom. He found everything torn down off the walls and the contents of the bookshelves were now on the floor.

Dean let out a heavy sigh and threw his bag onto the bed.

"Sorry about the mess. I will clean it up, don't worry about it." Dean kept his gaze on the floor of the room.

Cas walked over and embraced Dean. "No, I want you to lay down. It was a long drive and you are exhausted, let me clean up." He kissed Dean's head lightly and felt Dean give a half defeated nod.

After making sure that Dean was asleep Cas began to clean up the posters that use to hang. Most of them were old record covers along with pictures of cars. It made Cas smile, knowing that Dean had taken the time to create this space as his own and display the things he loved. Once the posters were put into a neat pile on top of Dean's desk Castiel began to pick up the books, noting that many of them were poetry or love novels. He cast a look over to sleeping Dean and shook his head, he had never taken Dean to be into books like these, just another thing he learned about his boyfriend. He placed the books upon the shelf and collected the picture frames that had been cast to the floor.

He took his time looking at each picture of Dean. One frame held a picture of Dean with his arms around both Sam and a girl with blonde hair and a smirk, another held only Dean, kissing a girl on the cheek, this girl had long dark hair and skin a bit deeper than his. Cas put the pictures up, hoping to figure out who these girls were. The final picture frames that were cleaned up held a picture of a young Dean, who had to be around 4 or 5 in the arms of an older woman with golden hair and a bright smile. Castiel had seen that smile before, in fact he was in love with that very smile. This must be Dean's mother, the woman Dean constantly refused to speak about, the woman who seemed to be where Dean got most of his features from.

The last picture Castiel looked at contained the whole Winchester family. It was autumn and the trees were shedding their brightly colored leaves. Mary sat with a young Sam in her arms smiling brightly at her boys. John had a large grin while Dean smiled at his mother. Sam could not be any older than 2, this picture must have been taken just before the fire. The family looked so happy together, tears formed in Cas' eyes as he continued to look at the smiles. Strong arms snaked around his waist causing him to clutch the picture tightly.

Dean cast a gaze over his shoulder at the picture. He remembered that day, how it was cold and he hated his scratchy jacket but kept it on for Mom. Sammy had been fussy that whole morning crying in the car, unable to be soothed by Dean. Dad was in an unusual mood, happier than normal but Dean had never questioned why. He did not like thinking about that day for only a few days later the fire took his mother from him. He watched as a tear fell from Castiel's eye.

"You have her smile" He whispered turning towards Dean

Dean nodded, he got a lot of things from his mother.

Cas set the picture down and buried his face into Dean's chest. He needed to know that Dean was his, that he was real. Dean wrapped his arms around Cas and lead him over to the bed. They laid down together, neither letting an inch of space exist between them. Cas felt Dean's strong fingers run over the back of his head in a soothing manner, Cas returned the gesture by gently stroking his thumb over Dean's neck.

"You never talk about her." Cas whispered his eyes closed

"You never talk about your family." Dean said, trying to prepare for the conversation that had to be spoken. He had been curious about Castiel's past but never asked in fear of what he might hear.

Cas shifted so his face lay inches away from Dean's, they stared into each others eyes before Cas laid a gentle kiss upon Dean's lips then moved back to his position inches away.

"Would you like me to talk about them?" His voice was hushed and hoarse.

"If you want to tell me Cas, its up to you." Dean struggled not to jump at the chance to learn more about Castiel.

Castiel took a long deep breath.

"My family is rather unconventional. I was raised in a strict religious household. I have many siblings, Michael, Gabriel, Lucifer, and Raphael are all older than me. I also have two younger siblings Anna, and Samandriel. My mother, Naomi raised us all while attempting to complete her final goal of owning a rather large company in our home town. It was my brothers Michael, Gabriel and Lucifers job to raise us younger kids. Unfortunately they did not see eye to eye on anything, Michael believed that the strict rules my mother set were the correct way to raise us. Gabriel wanted a more easy going approach, he was a bit of a trickster when it came to punishments and rules. Lucifer wanted us to do everything on our own, thought mistakes were how we were meant to learn and if we got hurt in the process of our learning it was normal. They constantly fought, bickering over us younger kids. Lucifer and Michael got into a large fight in public one night, Lucifer got arrested and has been in jail for a long time. My mother thinks of them a disappointments. Raphael and Michael work in top business firms, mothers dream children." Castiel looked down and Dean saw tears form in his eyes.

"Gabriel left right before I turned 14, he and I were very close. He would come and stay with me when everyone would fight but one night he said he was going to the store for candy and never came back. I was left alone to raise Anna and Samandriel since my brothers had all left to live their lives. Anna was never very well, constantly harming herself or others in the name of the Lord. Mother had her locked up in a psych ward and blamed me for not raising her correctly and told me I would only harm Samandriel's chances of becoming a functioning person. She kicked me out when I was 16, I hitched my way out to Huntsville and have not spoken to anyone in my family since then. I attempted to speak with my mother but she refused to acknowledge me as her son." Castiel was now overcome with sobs.

He had never spoken about his family, simply told everyone they had lost touch when he moved. His mother's actions had grown Castiel to shy away from things that involved being in control, he did not want to gain his mothers ruthless nature that his brothers had adopted when given the slightest bit of power. Dean sat in silence, watching how Cas broke down, how he spoke with such ditest for his mother and such desperation for his brothers. Dean had assumed Cas had a rough past but he had never imagined a guy as nice as Cas going through being rejected by his own mother in such a violent way.

"What about your father Cas? Where was he during all of this?" Dean rubbed Cas' back in small circles

"He came and left as he pleased. I was a disappointment in his eyes. I was not as smart as Michael, not as quick witted as Gabriel, not as cruel as Lucifer, not a leader like Raphael. I did not hold any crucial skill that my siblings did. I was too kind, too caring, too weak to be his son. He left and did not care for us at all! We were his children! And he refused to care for us when no one was around!" Cas was now on his feet smashing his fists against things. Dean watched as his anger poured out

"He told me I was worthless to him! That I was unlovable because I could not complete the simple task of killing an animal! He told me if I disappeared no one would miss me or go looking for me. Dean. He was right. When mother kicked me out no one came looking for me. Not Michael or Raphael. I was alone because I was weak." Cas had crumbled to the floor, holding his head in his hands crying heavily. Unsure himself if the tears were from his anger or his sadness, Castiel sat with his face covered, weeping over his broken life that he had hid from everyone.

Dean climbed off the bed and pulled Castiel into him. He knew what it was like for a father to not be around, to put everything bad that happened on you. Dean found himself holding Cas for some time, even after he had stopped crying, Dean held him protectively in the silence. The silence was only broken by a knock at the door and it being pushed open a bit.

"Dean, Bobby is here. He wants to talk to you." Sam looked at the older boys sitting on the floor entangled in one other "Are you alright Cas?"

Dean stood up and straightened his shirt a bit. "Sam stay up here for a while. I'll be back soon." Dean walked out of the room after giving Cas a quick peck on the lips.


	8. John John John

**Hey guys, sorry for not updating. Been kinda distracted with college looming over my head and all. I will be posting my other fanfic up later today so be prepared. This chapter actually made me cry, just keep in mind a lot of this is based off of my real life experience and I hope yall enjoy what you are reading! **

Bobby sat in the living room holding an empty bottle of gin. He had slowly watched John deteriorate, and he would be damned if he saw the boys do the same. When Sam had called saying John had not come home, Bobby had assumed it would be over within the next 2 days but now a full week has gone by with no trace of his friend. After calling all of the local bars, every hospital and police station in the area and coming up empty he had just about given up. Now Dean was in town for a surprise reunion and John was no where to be found. His worst fears were coming to life with every day that John did not return home.

"Bobby." Dean sat across from the older man, making slight eye contact

"Dean. Nice to see ya back."

"Would have been here sooner if you had told me Dad was missing." Dean could feel his anger rising

"What would you have done? You are in recovery, how do you expect to find him huh?"

"I would have done something more than sitting on my ass Bobby! He is my father and he is missing! What kind of son doesn't know his father is missing!"

Bobby sat silently watching Dean as he yelled, all that could be seen was the pain and hurt pouring out of his words. Dean may have left but he never wished harm upon his father, or for him to be put in harms way. The shame flowed from Dean, who blamed himself for his father's disappearance and alcoholism, his head bowed and hands laid limp in his lap. Bobby was unable to speak, unable to console a heartbroken boy.

Castiel sat against the wall in Dean's bedroom. He could hear shouting from downstairs but couldn't find the strength to get up and figure out the cause. Sam sat watching him for some time before he caught sight of the picture frames back upon the shelves.

"Dad came in here after Dean left… he was crying, said that Dean wasn't family anymore. 'Family don't leave family' he kept saying." Sam's voice was low but Cas heard him

"He just tore everything apart, broke the old trophies Dean had won, smashed CDs. But when he saw the pictures of mom he stopped. He sat in here for hours crying, talking to the pictures, begging for help." Sam now cast a gaze at Cas who was listening intensly taking it all in.

"Help with what exactly?"

A sigh escaped Sam's lips along with a tear "Help with Dean, me, the drinking, the bills. Dad needed help with everything and when Dean left he felt like no one was helping him."

Cas stood and walked to Sam's side, laying a hand on his shoulder.

"Dean just left. He didn't tell anyone, not even me that he wanted to leave. We had talked about leaving once I was older but he never mentioned leaving without me Cas. He just left." Cas could feel his heart breaking for the young boy.

"I know what it is like to have a brother leave, someone you look up to, someone you depend on when things get rough, someone you expected to always be there for you." His mind drifted to Gabriel "But sometimes you know that them leaving means them finding a place where they are happy, where they don't feel the need to run from things." Sam stared at Castiel

"You make Dean happy, he won't run away from you."

"I can only hope." Cas wrapped the youngest Winchester in for a hug they both desperately needed

Dean found his way to bed after watching Bobby drive away and making sure Sam was safe in his room. Castiel was nestled into a pillow with the blankets covering half of his face, this brought a smile to Dean's face. He changed into comfortable pajama bottoms and climbed in beside Cas, thanking god for sending such a kind angel into his life.

The sun shown through the windows causing Dean to stir. He had been tossing and turning all night and figured now it was a sign that he wasn't meant to be sleeping. He stretched and looked over at Castiel who had made a face at the absence of body heat beside him. A grin spread across his face and he leaned over to him.

"Would you like a cup of coffee?" Dean whispered placing a soft kiss below his ear

He received a groan and a nod. He stood and made his way down the hall to Sam's door to find the kid still sleeping. It was only 6:30 in the morning so he let him stay sleeping, god knows what had been going on to that kid this past week while he was alone. Dean made his way down the stairs but was stopped when he heard things moving in the kitchen. He grabbed his old baseball bat from beside the door and got ready to beat whatever he found, slowly he crept towards the kitchen only to be stopped dead in his tracks when he saw a rather lively looking John Winchester making breakfast.

"Dad!?" Dean shouted dropping the bat from his hands

"Dean? What are you doing here?" John asked over his shoulder

"I could ask you the same thing! You have been gone for a week!" Dean shot to his father's side, demanding attention

"I am making breakfast for my family, in my home. Now what are you doing here huh? Had enough of playing house with your nancy boyfriend?" John now faced Dean fully, obviously upset with Dean's life choices

"Your family!? I have been taking care of Sammy since I was 6 and you know it! You do not have a family John. You replaced us long ago with your good ol pals budweiser and heineken" Dean felt a strong hand slap against his face and grip his shirt collar

"Watch your mouth. Remember I can still kick your ass and put you in your place" John growled into his face

"Dad! Put him down!" Sam shouted from the kitchen entrance

John and Dean both looked upon Sam and Castiel now standing staring at the fight that had been occurring. John set Dean down and watched as Castiel went to Dean's side instantly to see if he was alright, pointing out the blood dripping down his chin from his mouth.

"Who is this?"

"I am Castiel."

"Oh! So you are the faggot my son has been living with." John squinted his eyes at Castiel who had a growing fear in his eyes

"No sir, I am the man who has been caring for your son."

Dean pushed himself in front of Cas, attempting to protect him from his father's violent hand that he was all too familiar with. John began walking towards both Cas and Dean with his fists clenched

"John Winchester. You back off of those boys now." Bobbys voice was deep from behind Sam who had not noticed that he had entered through the front door.

John glanced at Bobby then back at Dean then to Cas, he backed up slowly and pointed at Dean

"I want that faggot out. Now. You can stay but he can't."

Just as Dean was about to protest when Cas stood up straight and put his hand against Dean's shoulder

"It is your home mr. Winchester. I will go grab my things." Castiel then descended up the staircase, leaving the rest to stand silent in the tense kitchen

Dean sat in frustration as Bobby and Cas brought his things out to Bobby's truck. He watched as Sam sat beside him with his hands over his face holding back tears.

"Sammy" Dean muttered quietly pulling Sam into his shoulder

"Dean you can't leave me here. He will kill me." Sam looked desperately at Dean, begging to be brought away from John

"Sammy you know he would call the cops the second I took you off the property. I will try talking to the police about what I can do but I don't know if they will really consider me a good role model." Dean attempted to give a smile, he hated seeing Sam cry, he couldn't handle seeing his brother in pain and him being unable to help.

"I could talk to the sheriff. He doesn't like John already and seemed pretty ticked when I called asking if he had seen him." Bobby was now standing in front of the boys with his thumbs tucked into his belt.

Sam nodded and stood up giving a hug to Bobby while Dean made his way over to Cas who was leaning against the truck staring at the driveway. Dean gently touched his hand but was met with Cas pulling his hand away. Dean felt a wave of confusion and hurt flood over him causing him to cross his arms defensively over his chest.

"Dean, I came between you and your father." Cas' voice was low and deep

"No Cas, his narrow mind did. Listen I will come to Bobby's in a few days, I just gotta make sure Sammy is safe. Please, I need to know we are okay." Dean searched in the sapphire eyes for some form of confirmation but was met with hollow eery orbs

"I cannot answer that at this moment Dean. I do not want to be the reason you and your father lose a relationship. I refuse to be the reason."

"You aren't! He beats his kids and drinks all day. Our relationship has been dead for a long time, Cas please." Dean now felt as if it was all slipping through his fingers.

Cas did not reply, he opened the door to the truck and climbed in, tears now rolling down his cheeks. Dean felt a sudden rage come about him and he hit the side of the truck loudly which told Bobby it was time to leave. With a goodbye to Sam and a sorrowful look in Dean's direction Bobby drove away.

"Dean?" Sam was fearful of his brothers rage, he had always known to stay out of Dean's warpath.

"That fucking idiot!" The shout echoed through the neighborhood as Dean turned and stormed into his house knocking over the entry table that held a glass vase that shattered. Sam watched from the door as his brother walked barefoot over the shards and into the kitchen.

"Stupid piece of ignorant shit wants to ruin my fucking life! This is why I fucking left this shit hole in the first place! Nothing in this fucking town is worth anything! Just a bunch of fuck ups no one wants!" Dean slid down the fridge hitting against it. Sam carefully made his way to his brother and sat beside him

Dean shot a look over to Sam then ran a hand through his hair

"I didn't mean you Sammy."

"I know you didn't Dean. You are mad at Dad, not me, or Cas, or Bobby." With a moment of silence he added "You are mad at yourself for bringing Cas here aren't you?"

Dean nodded. He was pissed at himself for ruining yet another good part of his life.

"I can't seem to get it right anymore. I just keep making mistake after mistake, Crowley, Dad, running away, coming back. Hell I can't even kill myself correctly." Dean shut his mouth quickly and could feel Sam's eyes borrowing a hole in the side of his head.

"You know Dean, I know life has been rough, more for you than for me but I could never do that. I could never leave you here on your own to deal with Dad." Sam had found Dean's eyes and refused to break contact "I remember when I saw you in the here with Dads gun in your mouth. I remember watching you pull the trigger and the look on your face. It wasn't relief or anything like that you you were disappointed. I watched you cry and try over and over pulling that god damn trigger!" Tears stained Sam's young face in a way they never should "You wanted to leave so desperately Dean, you could have talked to me Dean!"

"You were 12 Sammy! Do you really think I wanted to put that on your shoulders? No. You don't need to carry my baggage Sam, I am your big brother." Dean was struggling to keep it all together

"Do you think I needed to see you try to kill yourself!? Or see you get nearly beaten to death by Dad and Crowley!? I would have rather of heard you talk to me about shit than see you go through it alone! We are brothers, we are suppose to help each other." Sam closed his eyes and began shaking his head "Do you think I would still be here if you were dead Dean? You are all I have, mom is dead and dad is as good as dead to me. I need you Dean so you can't go bailing out again."

Dean took Sam into a tight hug and refused to let Sam go when he struggled.

"I won't leave you again Sammy. Family don't leave family."


	9. Photographs and memories written on the

**Hey yall, havent had the chance to post. I am leaving for a week with my friend on vacation so here is another chapter for you, I love this part I really put some thought into how this chapter was gunna go and hope the 3 of you who are following this story enjoy it. I have posted another story and hope you will read it! Alright guys happy reading!**

Castiel sat on an old loveseat in Bobby's study. He had calmed himself down on the ride over but could still feel the bag of bricks sitting upon his chest. John Winchester was a man who held a lot of guilt, and a lot of pent up anger. Castiel had questions buzzing through his mind but could not be certain of who to ask or when would be an appropriate time to ask, if there ever would come a time. He feared for both Sam and Dean's safety, even though he fully believed that the boys were capable of handling a situation.

"Castiel? You okay?" Bobby was standing beside him holding a cup of what smelled like tea

"I am fine. Just a bit shaken from this morning." He accepted the cup being offered to him

"John is a good guy, he's just had a lot of bad things happen in the past. He really does love his boys."

Castiel looked at Bobby who was watching his hat in his hands. Bobby had been struggling with John for months, he had begun drinking more and disappearing for days without leaving anything for Sam. He would like to believe that John would bounce back but it was not one of those situations and everyone knew it. If John didn't get locked up for something he would end up getting himself killed.

"You know, Dean is a good guy too. He cares about some things a little too much sometimes and it gets the better of him. He has been watching Sam since they were little and is probably feeling a bit guilty. Don't worry he will fix everything then you both can head home." Bobby nodded to himself

"Why is Dean always left to fix everything?" Castiel now had his head tilted

"Well.. He insists on it most the time, he is a real stubborn bull when he wants to be."

"Yes but why has he had to step up? Why did no adult stop and look at that poor boy who falls apart every night and say something had to be done? I have never seen such pain in Dean's eyes as when he speaks of his life, his father. No one should carry everything on their own, especially when they start at age 6." Bobby now had Castiel's eyes glaring into him.

Bobby knew Dean held a lot of resentment towards John and possibly himself but he had never sat down and thought of how to help him. He merely helped when the boys asked or when he knew it could get severely bad. After Mary passed away Dean took on her responsibilities even Sam who was just 2 at the time, he learned how to cook, clean and take care of the house the way John should have. He watched John slowly deteriorate from a father to a drunk in a matter of a year and had to lie to the people at school most of the time.

"Dean isn't much of the type to speak up when things are wrong. He got into trouble a lot as a kid, more than John would ever care to admit. A lot of people threatened to take Dean and Sam away when they were in Elementary school, thats when Dean really started to take charge of the family. This one time Social Services stopped by here looking for him, he had given this as his home address to the school in case one morning they stopped by and found John passed out drunk and Sam crying. The little mix up gave him enough time to clean up, put John into bed, and set Sam down to watch some cartoons." Bobby shook his head a bit and scratched his beard. "Dean's main goal was to give Sam a happy life, as normal of a life he could have with one parent dead and the other drinking himself to death. He tried so hard to be everything for that kid, staying up late helping with homework, making a fruit costume, taking up a morning bike route to get some extra money for holidays. Dean gave Sam the life he wish he had so I guess he forgot that he deserved to have a life too."

Cas looked out the window and let out a large sigh, he was at a loss for words. Dean had such a hero complex.

Dean was laying on his bed, it was 3am and he was unable to sleep without the thought of ruffled black hair and a light snoring beside him. He could remember when he sat here thinking about Crowley, thinking of what their life would be when they grew old together. How wrong he was. Dean had never even thought about a life without Castiel in it, he just assumed they would always be friends and always have each other around. Things were so much simpler in May when Dean left, not so much drama. He sat up and opened his bedside draw, removing a large stack of pictures. Pictures had always been one of Dean's favorite things because it caught a moment in time that never changed. That moment when the camera clicked will always be that moment, that moment when he gazed lovingly at his mother, when he was filled with pride over catching his first fish, when he first met Sammy. All moments Dean held close to his heart that would never change.

Dean reached over and grabbed his phone, ignoring the early hour of the morning and dialling Cas' number. He waited as it rang and rang, almost regretting calling worrying that Castiel might become mad at him.

"This better be important Dean." Castiel's groggy voice drained into the phone

"I think we need to take more pictures together."

There was a rustling on the other end of the phone, Cas was probably sitting up from where he was sleeping

"Dean? Are you okay?" He sounded much more awake now

"Yea I am good, I just think we should take more pictures together ya know, so we can look back and see how much we care for eachother."

Castiel was worried, Dean was talking as if one of them were going to pass away. It was also 3am and Dean had woke him up from a deep sleep to tell him something so insignificant.

"Do you need to meet up Dean?" Castiel waited patiently for a response from his boyfriend but was only met with the sound of his deep breathing. Maybe all Dean needed was to hear his voice for him to get to sleep. Castiel laid his phone beside him, the breathing filling the silence of the room.

"Goodnight Dean, I love you." He whispered lightly

"I love you too Cas" He heard a mumbled reply from Dean who shifted on the other end.

Both boys laid with their phones resting beside their heads, listening to each other sleep, and occasionally whisper something. Dean dreamed of his life with Cas, moving to Lawrence and buying a house, becoming the picture of a perfect life. Castiel was met with nightmares of Crowley and Mr. Winchester harming both him, Dean and Sam.

Waking up in the morning covered in photographs and sweat was an anxious Dean. He looked around the room then at the clock, 8:15. His mind took a moment to adjust to the fact that Castiel had not been here last night, but at Bobby's. Grabbing a change of clothes he got into the shower, hoping the hot water would release some of the tension that had grown in his muscles. He thought of yesterdays events and felt a headache forming behind his right eye, things had not gone the way he had planned to. He had to speak with his father and check on Sam, who had been the main focus of Dean's world for 14 years. Getting out of the shower and changing he walked downstairs to the kitchen to see Sam, fully dressed.

"Big plans today Sammy?" Dean grabbed a cup of coffee and leaned against the counter

"A friend is coming by for a little while, can we keep the fighting for when she leaves?" Sam poured some cereal into a bowl and walked into the living room.

"I will try. Who is it?" Following his brother was a natural thing for Dean at this point seeing as Sam liked to walk and talk since he was young

"You wouldn't know her, she is in my grade."

"Oh? Come on shoot I might know her." Dean sat picking up a comic book

"Ruby." Sam didn't have to say a last name, Ruby wasn't exactly a common name in Kansas

Dean nearly spit his coffee onto the couch.

"Ruby!? Liliths little sister!? You are kidding me Sam!" His eyes were bugging out of his head

"Yes Dean. Ruby." Sam was now giving his brother a bitchface as if he was overreacting

"Sammy" Dean rubbed his face and groaned "That whole family is into drugs, Lilith drugged me once, remember that?"

"Ruby is different Dean, she really likes me and has been here for me since you left. She understands Dads drinking and you leaving, she helps me. Just give her a chance, if everyone judged me off of how they think of you-"

"You would be awesome." Dean cut Sam off earning him a huff from his brother

"Please, just don't be an ass to her."

Dean thought for a moment then nodded slowly and slapped a hand on his brothers back

"Don't do anything I would do." He stood and looked out into the driveway, noting that his father's truck was not there.

"I'm heading over to Bobbys to see Cas for a bit. You know the rule if anyone you don't know knocks on the door." Dean pointed a finger to the gun on the coffee table

Sam rolled his eyes and let out a small laugh

"We both know that gun doesn't do shit."

"One day it will save our lives, just watch. Be safe Sammy, call if you need anything." Dean walked out of the house just as Ruby was walking up.

"Dean? Since when did you get back?" Ruby looked as if she had seen a ghost

"Doesn't matter. I'm gunna be around for a while, oh and I'm watchin you. Bring drugs around my brother and I will personally send you to hell." He slipped past the small brunette who stood frozen in her place.

It was good to be the big brother sometimes.


	10. Risk The Bottle

**Alright guys! I am home and have been typing non stop. With some emotional fuel from a dumb boy I have been cranking out this story and love where it is going, hopefully you guys like it too. **

**WARNING**

**THERE IS DRUG ABUSE IN THIS CHAPTER AND I HOPE YALL ARENT CHICKENS. I DO NOT SUPPORT DRUG ABUSE AND IT SHOULD BE TAKEN VERY SERIOUSLY, IT EFFECTS EVERYONE AROUND YOU, NOT JUST YOU. **

Castiel was woken up by large hands shaking him violently. He assumed it was John and swung out blindly with his fist.

"Ow Kid! What the hell was that for ya idjit!" Bobbys gruff voice came from the floor

"I apologize Bobby, I thought you were John Winchester." Castiel now sat awkwardly gazing slightly at the elderly man now rubbing his face

"Yeah well your lucky it isn't. He would have killed ya just for touching him."

"But if he had been the one shaking me, wouldn't he have already touched me?" His head tilted slightly

Bobby shook his head, raising back to his feet brushing off his clothes.

"Dean is waiting for you on the porch. Said something about needing to talk to you." He turned and walked out of the room mumbling to himself

Castiel ran a hand through his hair which he was sure was a mess and straightened his clothes out before slipping his sneakers on and stepping out onto the porch. Dean had not heard him come out and was leaning against the banister with his head hung, talking to himself about something. Cas knew it was rude to listen to what he was saying but once he started he couldn't just stop.

Dean voice was low "Mom, you gotta knock some sense into Dads thick skull. You know how great Cas is, you have to know, I have told you everything about him. Please Ma, I can't do it on my own." He sounded as if he was getting choked up "Cas got mad at me the other day. I need you to use your all mighty mom powers and make him forgive me because god ma, If I can't fix this I give up on trying to be happy." His head was now against his arms, pressed deeply into them, as if searching for the answer to his problems. Cas was letting out small shaky breaths, did he really mean that much to Dean? They had only been romantically involved for two months yet Dean was speaking as if they had been together their whole lives.

Cas couldn't help himself any longer. He stepped close behind Dean and snaked his arms around Dean's waist and rested his head against the thin black t-shirt covering Dean's sharp shoulder blades. Dean stiffened at the immediate contact but relaxed as he saw Cas' mop of black hair out of the corner of his eye.

"I am not mad at you any longer Dean." Cas' deep voice was muffled but came crystal clear to Dean, who had prayed for those words

Turning, Dean wrapped his arms around the shorter boys shoulders and pulled him tightly to his chest, running his fingers through the silky hair. He felt as if a rock had gotten stuck in his throat because he couldn't find a single word to speak. The two boys stood, tightly embraced with one another speaking through the soothing stroke of fingers, quick grazes of lips against uncovered skin, and the little space left between their bodies. Castiel needed to be with Dean forever and Dean needed to be with Castiel forever. That was as clear as day to the observer crouched behind one of the rundown cars on the front lawn.

Sam had his day with Ruby planned out. He had a few movies set aside that she had said she never saw before. He was hoping she wouldn't want to talk about Dean, his father or anything stressful but Sam should have learned long ago the Winchesters do not get what they hope for. He opened the door for her and proceeded to give Ruby a hug that as soon as begun was ended by a firm smack to the side of his head. Sam groaned as he rubbed his temple, a look of disgruntled confusion running across his features.

"What was that for!?" He demanded

"You didn't mention your fucking brother being home! He stopped me outside Sam. If he finds out he will kill me!" Ruby shoved him against the door

"I never pegged you for being scared of Dean. He won't find anything out I promise. He is too caught up with his boyfriend." Sam held his hands up over his chest, as some sort of protection against the young brunette who had clenched fists at her sides

"Boyfriend? Since when did Dean get a new boyfriend?" She now spoke not with furious anger but questioning curiosity

"They met in Dean's new town, He is a pretty nice guy. Dad isn't too happy with it though." Sam wormed his way around Ruby and walked into the living room, knowing she would willingly follow, desperate to get the dirty details on Dean

"Well of course he isn't. John was pissed enough when Dean left, now coming home with a new butt buddy couldn't have helped." She set her backpack beside her and sprawled out on the couch with her legs crossed, Sam sat on the arm of the couch watching her

"Can we start a movie now?" He was sick of talking about Dean and wanted Ruby to focus on him

"Do you want your gifts now or later?" A smirk grew across her stained lips

He nodded and shifted onto the couch, placing her legs in his lap. He prayed Dean would not come home for at least 2 hours so he could enjoy his time with his girlfriend. Ruby zipped her back pack open and tossed an orange bottle into Sam's hands.

"I got ya Ambien this time, it will help you sleep. Great for when you start APs."

"How many are in here?"

"60, should last you a few weeks." She sat up and kissed his cheek and opened the bottle for him, taking 2 pills out and placing them into his palm

"Thanks." He popped the pills into his mouth and swallowed them. Ready to escape from the horror show that he called a life.


	11. Text Me Back

**Hey guys, here is another chapter. Really put my heart into this one since it does involve actual parts of what has happened in my past relationships. I really appreciate all of yall who are following and leaving reviews it makes me feel like I am doing something right which is an odd thing for me. So enjoy and leave nice reviews :)**

Dean returned to the Winchester home late that evening. John sat in his chair, bottle of whiskey in his hand with the TV blaring, obviously drunk again.

"Dad where is Sam?" He attempted to keep his voice steady and empty of emotion

"Upstairs with his GIRLfriend. At least I have one son that is a man." John growled under his breathe, tones of disgust raging through every word

Dean clenched his jaw, choosing to ignore his father's comments and made his way upstairs to Sam's door. Knocking on it lightly he stood awkwardly waiting for his brother to open the door. He had to inform Sam of his plans to move back to Kansas with Cas and attempt to gain custody of Sam. Dean hoped that Sammy would be happy with the arrangement, even though it would mean moving out of the only home he knew, it would be the best thing for both brothers.

Suddenly Dean came face to face with a shirtless and messy haired Sam who only opened the door a sliver, not letting Dean get a full view of the room. At a loss for words, Dean became outraged. His baby brother, his 14 year old 5'10 brother was standing shirtless, with a girl in his room.

"Dean? What do you want? I am sorta in the middle of something right now." Sam licked his lips, nervously leaning from foot to foot

"Are ya kidding me Sammy!? Ruby!? Really?" He stared into the hazel eyes that seemed to be almost empty

"Yes Dean. Now leave me alone." Sam slammed the door and locked in hastily.

Dean stood alone in the hallway, feeling as if he had just made another fucking mistake. Why did he react like that? He was doing worse things than Sam when he was 14, yet he couldn't handle it when little Sammy was becoming a man. Dean walked into his room and flopped onto his bed, staring at the ceiling his mind began flooding with thoughts. _When did you become a hypocrite? Remember what they called you when you were 14? One Time Winchester. A new girl every day in freshmen year. _That is the last thing Dean wanted to see Sam become. A womanizer, someone who has flings on the spur of the moment. Was that what was going on with Cas? The first time they did anything physical was when Dean was in a dark emotional place, was Cas only with him because he was an emotional mess? Did Cas think Dean needed to be saved and kissing him was the only way to keep him from falling over the edge? Oh God what if the whole relationship was just based off of the fact that Cas pitied Dean? Cold tears began to run down his freckled cheeks. His whole relationship must be a joke and a lie.

It had been two whole days and Cas hadn't heard a word from Dean. He didn't even receive an annoyed reply to all of his insesent overly worried text messages, Pulling out his phone he began to read down everything he had sent Dean, trying to think of what would have made Dean so mad as to ignore him.

**I am glad we worked things out, do you want to hangout tomorrow afternoon? Show me around your town? 9:47pm**

**I guess you are sleeping, sweet dreams. 10:30 pm**

**Heading to bed, call if anything happens. Love you Dean. 12:13am**

**Goodmorning sunshine! Want to come over and we can head to breakfast? 9:11am**

**Did something happen with your dad? 10:26am**

**I am bored, Bobby is trying to talk to me about cars. 12:19pm**

**Dean help. Bobby is trying to hire me to work on his cars. 1:12pm**

**Dean? 4pm**

**Did I do something? 4:04pm**

**Want to go out to dinner? We can bring Sam. 5:32 pm**

**Is Sam alright? 5:40pm**

**Dean please just tell me everything is alright. 6:49pm**

**Do you need me to come over? 8:24pm**

**Bobby won't drive me over to you. Should I walk? 8:54pm**

**Fuck it. I am coming over Dean. 9:39pm**

**Answer the door. Answer your phone. Just please Dean I see your light is on. Come out please I need to see you. 10:13pm**

**I have been sitting on your porch for two hours Dean. My phone is about to die. Please just give me a sign you are alive. 11:57pm**

**I am going home Dean. Please do not be dead, call me in the morning. 2:12am**

**Did I do something? Whatever I did I am really sorry. 11:44am**

**Dean, call me when you want to talk, I will leave my phone charged and on. Remember we are leaving in a few days…. or at least I am leaving… 3:15pm**

Firmly clutching his phone Castiel closed the conversation and wiped away his tears. He was genuinely worried for Dean and his well being, they hadn't spent two days apart since they met two months ago, let alone since they had become a couple. Too many terrible things passed through Castiel's mind, Dean being beaten and left to die in some pit in the woods, Dean being violently sick and unable to reach his phone, but the worst of all that left a bitter taste in Cas' mouth was the thought that Dean had skipped out on him, just as Gabriel did. Just as everyone he loved did.

Standing outside the door to Dean's home Castiel was still very tempted to turn around and go back home, pack Dean's things and ship them back here to Kansas, no questions asked, just ending everything with no closure. Yet Cas' heart could not let him do that, he cared far too much for the sandy haired rebel who smelled of pine trees and leather. His hand laid a shaky knock upon the wooden door in front of him. He was shocked when it actually opened, revealing a very shocked looking Sam.

"Cas? What are you doing here?" His words were like needles to Cas' heart

"I have been trying to reach Dean for two days, I am concerned for him." He nervously bit his lip, his fingers tucking themselves into his pockets slightly

"Dean hasn't really left his room, he gets like this sometimes. I thought you knew about it. Maybe you can help." Sam shrugged and opened the door making room for Cas. He was worried about Dean but knew he was unable to help his brother when he got down on himself.

Cas made his way up the stairs, not sparing another second on Sam. He had to find Dean, he had to figure out what was going on in his head, he needed to hold Dean again, be with him again. Pushing open the dark door, Cas came to face the queen sized bed covered in paper with a body shaking and sobbing beneath a heavy comforter. Rushing over he shoved the papers away and dug Dean's thin body out from hiding and embraced him to his chest. He held Dean as if this was his last moment on earth.

Cas sat holding Dean for what felt like hours until the first words were spoken from the raspy throat of Dean.

"Why are you with me Cas?"

Cas put aside his initial shock of being asked such a question "Because I love you."

"Why do you love me? I am nothing but trouble, a dropout, disappointment, homewrecker who is stupid and can't handle anything alone and drags everyone down with him." Dean was not leaving any room to be persuaded, he knew with all of his heart every single thing he had just said was true.

Castiel sat in shock, he had thought Dean had begun to think better of himself since those weeks ago when they shared their first kiss. Dean was far from stupid, he was not a disappointment, and he could handle things alone. Cas struggled in a way to sum up why he loved Dean because the honest answer was every single thing about Dean had stolen away Castiel's heart.

"Everything about you Dean, I love you because you are the only you there is." Cas stoked down Dean's cheek and pressed his thumb against the full lips that were slightly parted. Staring into the eyes of the man he had fallen in love with his answer was now clear

"You refuse to give up, you may try to but you know that you can't walk away from people or a situation unresolved. You would rather have people hate you and be safe rather than let them love you while they spiraled out of control. The way you care so much for every single person in your life, the way you smile when you talk about Sam, the way you give 100% of yourself in every emotional sense Dean, that is why I love you. The cheesy western movies you love, the way you light up when you smile, the way you hold so much loyalty even when you get screwed over, those are the reasons why I love you. It would take me a year and a day to tell you all the other reasons but even then I would miss a few and have to start all over again." Castiel leaned his forehead against Dean's and smiled "I love you because you took me with no questions asked, you didn't push your way into my heart. You simply came home to me and accepted me even though I am an OCD control freak with a fucked up family. You loved me in a way no one else ever did. And that is why I love you." A tear escaped the blue eyes, not from sadness but from the fact that he finally admitted how much he needed Dean in his world, without Dean he wasn't truly himself

Dean was overcome with heartbreaking sobs once again and fell hard into Cas' shoulder, his back heaving with every breathe. Why couldn't he see himself the way Cas saw him? How could Cas even love Dean after all of his doubts of his love? He clung to his love, replaying the reasons he was just told. Was he really such a nice person? Was he worthy of such admiration from an angel like Castiel? He was unable to form a sentence to respond to Cas' reasons. He let his tears and the passionate kiss he placed upon the chapped lips of the other boy speak for him.


	12. Daddy Drama

**Alrighty yall, here is an extra big chapter chalk full of events. Please remember to leave reviews cause thats the only real way I know if this is going well. I would love to hear more from everyone who is reading and would like to thank each and every one of you. I honestly have no clue about when this story is gunna end or how it will end, I kinda just wanna write with these guys until the problems are addressed and things are in a stable place, but lets hope that wont be for a while! Enjoy reading love yall 3**

Castiel worked hard to regain his breath as his body found its way back down to Dean's mattress. Dean was struggling also but with a satisfied smile drawn across his lips. He was foolish for ever doubting Cas, and now he was absolutely sure that they were in love. Dean rested his head against Cas' chest and placed a kiss lightly on the older boys jaw. They both laid quietly, thinking about their lovemaking session that had just ended and the new step they just took. Cas held Dean close, securing them to each other and placed a kiss into the sandy blonde hair that smelled of pine. He enjoyed the moments like this, no fighting, no words, no tears, just complete and utter devotion and love radiating from them both as their bodies embraced. The bed was big enough for at least 3 people yet they found themselves squeezed as if there were 15 others in the bed, both men dying to be close to one another. Dean traced small shapes over Cas' bare chest, content with the fact that Cas had not asked for an explanation of why Dean had shut him out. That was a reason Dean loved Cas. Did Cas know how much Dean loved him?

"Castiel, I love you." Dean spoke softly, as to not bring a harsh nature to the atmosphere

"I know you do Dean, I love you too." His eyes held such a warm and kind glow as Cas leaned into Dean and placed their mouths together into a kiss that filled every empty hole in Dean's heart.

A sudden knock at the door reminded them that they were not alone in the house, Sam was here. And John could be here. If John caught Cas and Dean in bed what would he do? Would he throw them out or throw a fist? Cas saw the panic wash over Dean's face as he formed the same questions and they both scrambled to get dressed. Cas grabbed his clothes and rushed into Dean's closet, quickly sliding his jeans and boxers on once the door shut behind him. Dean ran for the door once he put his boxers on and pulled it open to see John standing there.

"Dean! What are you up to?" He slurred walking into the bedroom

Cas heared bed springs squeak under pressure and assumed that John was now on the bed where he and Dean had just been making love. He found it sort of ironic and covered his mouth to keep his laughter from escaping.

"Uh nothing dad? I was trying to sleep." Dean tried not to let his voice slip

"It is only 6." Johns eyes narrowed

"I haven't been sleeping very well. Cas and I haven't been talking." His eyes darted towards the floor, he had to make it seem like him and Cas weren't together for the time being.

"Don't let that fag get to you. How about you invite that pretty girl Lisa over? She always liked ya even when you only hung around with that Crowley kid." John had never found out about Dean and Crowley, only knew them to be friends.

"I really just want to be alone right now dad… This is a hard breakup for me." Dean fought away memories of Crowley, trying to focus on Cas in the closet.

"Here this will help ya." John handed Dean a beer can and slapped his back "You will bounce back Dean. Don't let some fag ruin your future." With Johns 'advice' he took his leave back down to the living room. Dean let out a long sigh and set the beer can down as he closed his door.

Cas exploded out of the closet, falling onto the floor with his shirt twisted all around his head. Dean couldn't help but burst out into a laughing fit that made his cheeks and stomach hurt. Castiel sat on the floor now glaring at Dean.

"This is not funny. I could have gotten hurt."

"Cas you realize you just came out of the closet? For me? Again?" Dean's laughter slowly reached Cas' lips, a large smile forming

"If you did not have such a messy closet I would not have fallen, I would have made a grand entrance." He stood up and fixed his shirt, taking a good look around the room. At last his eyes landed upon the beer can. "So that is his fatherly advice during a breakup?" Cas pointed, making his way to the bed to lay down again

Dean sighed, picking the can back up and rotating it in his hand.

"He isn't good with feelings, he hasn't been for a long time. Drinking and fighting are the way he deals with things."

"Is that what you use to do?" Cas now stared at Dean, watching his tan fingers run across the top of the can

Dean's eyes flicked up to Cas and he sorrowfully nodded "I was a real peach when I was 16. I drank almost every night until Sammy caught me. God he was so mad, he didn't talk to me for a week." Dean took a seat beside the older boy "Thats what always got me out of the bad times, when I saw that Sam needed me I snapped out of whatever funk I was in. I had to be there for him."

"Bobby told me about how much you did for Sam when you both were young." Cas held a small smile

"Oh? Like what?" Dean turned and put his legs over Cas' lap and an arm around his shoulders

Cas snaked an arm around Dean's waist and set his other hand on his thigh. "I heard about the newspaper routes for holiday money, the late night homework helping, but my favorite would have to be finding out you are pretty handy with a needle and thread." Cas grinned watching as a blush came to Dean's cheeks

"I just know a few basic things." Dean flustered rolling his lips

"Just the basics? I am pretty sure Bobby mentioned you mending clothes for girls at school in exchange for favors." Dean's eyes grew wide

"I am gunna kill Bobby."

"Don't worry Dean, I always knew you were the girl in this relationship." Before Dean could get out his argument and protest Cas slid his lips onto Dean's. Dean hated to admit that he had just completely forgot what his argument even was. If being the girl meant that Castiel would make out with him mid-conversation he was willing to take it.

After Cas snuck out and made his way back to Bobby's, Sam barged his way into Dean's room. His face was puffy and his hands were shaking, causing Dean to instantly raise to his feet and rush to his side.

"Sam? Sammy! Talk to me what happened?" He now held his younger brothers shoulders trying to get him to focus

"Dean Dean I didn't mean to I swear I just I slipped and I am sorry Dean I am sorry" Sam hunched down, resting his head onto Dean's shoulder gripping his shirt in tight fists

"Sammy what happened." Dean lead Sam to his bed, sitting the taller boy down, hoping to get an answer

"I just hit him, over and over and over and it felt so good Dean." Sam locked his hazel eyes onto Dean's "After all the times I watched him hurt you and all the things he has said I just couldn't stop Dean I couldn't stop." It was at this moment that Dean noticed the polka dotted pattern of red droplets covering Sam's shirt, neck and face.

"Stay here Sam. Do not move or call anyone. Wait until I come back." He gripped his brothers cheek before placing a kiss into the messy mop of hair and leaving the room.

Dean took a deep breathe as he walked downstairs, noting how dark it had become outside and that the house held an eerie sensation. The only noise came from the living room TV but the room was empty, the only other room with a light on was the kitchen. Grabbing the wooden bat Dean was prepared if John attacked him, mistaking him for Sam. He walked his way slowly along the wall, scared of what he would find, possibly more scared to find John alive rather than dead.

Upon entering the kitchen the blood was the first thing Dean saw. His father was almost unrecognizable, the face swollen and bloody. Dean stepped closer and realized that Sam must have been making a snack when John began to antagonize him, noting the open fridge door and plate on the island. Taking a step closer to the body the realization that his father was dead began to truly sink in. Dean fell to his knees beside Johns body, trembling tears fell from his eyes and he laid his head onto his father's bloody chest weeping. Too many emotions ran their way through Dean's bones, his resentment for his father, his worry for Sam, his guilt that they hadn't worked things out, everything was fighting within him.

"Dean?" Sam was standing behind him holding himself "Did I really do it?" His eyes were filled with terror as he stared at his father

Dean wiped his own tears, he would have to grieve later. He picked up his phone, dialed 911 and lead Sam out onto the front porch, holding him close. Things just became very very complicated.

"Blue and red lights filled the 11 o'clock darkness of Lawrence, Kansas last night. A son had murdered his father in self defense, or thats what everyone says. The son Samuel Winchester 14, was examined in the ambulance on scene being recorded of having multiple open wounds and scar marks from abuse at the hands of his father, John Winchester who prior to a few days earlier had been missing for several days. Samuel Winchester now reports that during a conversation regarding the oldest of the Winchester children, Dean John had begun threatening Samuel with a knife and pushing him around the kitchen where the altercation occurred. Samuel Winchester is now being held in Lawrence General Hospital awaiting psychological tests to determine the extent of abuse. Dean Winchester, 18 is also being integrated as possibly being an accomplice in the murder of his father."

Lawrence Journal- Becky Rosen

Castiel sat in the police station with Bobby at his side. Both read the article multiple times, trying to wrap their heads around what had happened. Within hours of Cas seeing Dean there had been a murder and now he was a suspect. Both Cas and Bobby knew Sam and Dean were innocent, but it was not up to them to decide. They had been called to the station to be asked questions about Johns behavior and Bobby was up first, Following Officer Zachariah back into a small gray room he took his seat across the table from him. He admitted to himself that revealing the secrets he and Dean had worked so hard to cover up did make him nervous. The thought of Sam having to go to criminal lock up was one of his biggest fears, along with what it would do to Dean.

"Mr. Singer what exactly is your relation to the Winchesters?"

"I met them a while back, before the kids were born. John had come to my shop to get some things for his car and we hit it off. When the kids were born I would watch em for John and Mary from time to time. When Mary died I saw John struggling and gave him a job, then did the same when Dean was of age." Bobby had fudged that part a bit, Dean started helping on cars when he was 8 and never stopped "I help the boys out, they had a rough childhood without their mom around."

"And how exactly did die?"

"It was a fire at the bakery she worked in." Bobby avoided Zachariahs eyes not wanting to talk about Mary, she was long gone and buried, why did she have a part in this?

"Was there ever any signs of abuse?" The question held an air that Zachariah already knew the answer. Bobby solemnly nodded his head no longer having to keep Johns dirty little secret

"What was their relationship like before Dean came alone?"

"John was always an angry guy, blamed everyone for all of his problems but Mary loved him with all of her heart. She would leave him alone when his temper spiked, I let her stay with me a couple times, and sometimes John would come and stay with me. He smacked her around a bit, I always gave him hell for it and he would apologize and be fine for a while. He never hit her when she was pregnant, I thanked god for that." Bobby was silent thinking back to bright eyed Mary showing up at his door covered in bruises saying that John was having a bad day. He always regretted not getting her out, but if he had he probably wouldn't have had Dean and Sam in his life.

"When did he start abusing Dean?"

Bobby tried to think back those 18 years and was haunted by what he remembered

"John! Mary brought Dean by for a visit." Bobby smiled at the young blonde clutching a teddy bear

"Tell them to go, I am in the middle of fixing this engine." John grunted from beneath the hood of an old blue car

"Come on John, take a break, the engine will be there after you see your boy." Bobby yanked him out by the shoulder of his shirt and up to the front where Mary stood poking Dean's stomach

"Who is my little angel?" She cooed at him

"Don't call him some sissy angel. He is a man Mary." John wiped off his hands on a rag as the young boy ran over and wrapped himself around Johns leg

"Daddy! Guess what I did!" Dean smiled proudly up at his father

John peeled his son off of him and held him "What was that Dean?"

"I helped mommy make a snake!" A smile formed on the thin lips of John who found his son's mispronunciation of the word snack

"Oh and what was the snack today?"

"A PB and no J!" The 3 year old flashed a bright smile

"Wow buddy. Nice job." He ruffled Dean's hair and set him down

While Bobby, Mary and John talked Dean wandered around the shop, tripping and tossing his teddy bear under a car. He began to crawl under to get his bear but was ripped out by the leg of his jeans by a very angry John. Dean cried out, being dragged against the concrete floor which had tore through his thin pants and scrapped his thighs.

"John don't be rough with him!" Bobby stood shocked at the way John used such force on the small boy.

Once Dean was fully out John was kneeling in front of him with pure anger in his eyes. With one firm swing John made full contact with Dean's cheek, leaving a very obvious palm mark and tears flowing from the young eyes. Bobby rushed forward pulling John off while Mary scooped Dean up into her arms, kissing his tears away, trying to sooth him. A look of disgust washed over her as she spit in his direction.

"You better not fucking come home tonight John. He is just a boy!" She turned and left quickly, Dean still crying in her arms

John sat on the floor watching as she left, Bobby who was beside him simply remained silent. Unable to voice his anger or his disgust.

"Was Dean ever sexually abused by his father?" Officer Zachariah asked Castiel for the 4th time

"I-I do not know. His ex boyfriend I know did but his dad? We never talked about that.."

"What did you and Dean talk about exactly?"

"Thats private." Castiel was now on edge

"How did Dean feel about his father?"

"He loved him, and was afraid of him, both him and Sam were and they had good reason. John Winchester is a scary guy, or rather, was." Cas gazed into the cold blue eyes of the older man who was balding

"Did you ever witness a physical altercation between John Winchester and either of his son's?"

"Yes. And it was one of the most terrifying moments of my life and trust me I have had a lot." Castiel bit his tongue. The last thing he wanted was for people to start digging into his past.

"Do you have any reason to believe that Dean and Samuel planned upon murdering their father?"

"No."

"Did you know about the drugs?" Zachariah's voice was cold and flat

Drugs?


	13. Break Me

**Hey guys! So Tuesday was my birthday and the day I moved into college! So now not only am I 18 but also living in a whole new place. I also am having roommate troubles, aka not having one! My first two moved out already and im like wtf? But anyway I will try to update as much as possible before my life falls apart here. Love this story and my boys. Comment, review, all that jazz. Happy Reading!**

Sam and Dean sat at the hospital. Everything had gone so quickly but now here they sat, waiting to talk to the doctor again. There had been an issue with the blood work apparently and the boys weren't allowed to be discharged until everything was resolved. Dean sat upon the stiff chair watching Sam who laid in the bed covering his face.

"It's gunna be okay Sammy. We have nothing left to hide, I mean they already made us drop our pants for pictures, how much worse could it get?" Dean tried making light of the situation

"Dean, its going to get so much worse." Sam felt tears slip over the brim of his eyes and he shook his head and stared at the ceiling "I should have listened to you. I am so sorry I didn't listen."

"Sam what are you ta-"

"Dean, Sam we have had a little problem with your tests." Dr. Arbeid walked in, her high heels clicking together

"What is it Doc?" Dean asked sitting up

"Sam have you told your brother?" She ignored Dean's question staring intently at Sam who shook his head slowly making his eyes land upon his confused older brother

"What's going on Sammy?"

"Dean I didn't mean to, things just got really rough. You left, dad was beating me senseless I couldn't sleep anymore, I caved in." His voice was cracking and more tears sprung to his eyes

"What did you do?" Dean's eyes were filled with concern and worry

"Your brother had strong amounts of Ambien in his system, amounts that could have lead him to have severe hallucinations. The police are now unsure if he was aware of what he was doing when the altercation with your father took place and if it was self defense." She tried to keep steady during her explanation but her nerves of how the boys would handle the situation was very obvious.

Dean was speechless. Sam? A drug addict? The straight A, home on time, future lawyer had a drug addiction no one realized? He looked at Sammy, took a good long look at him. He had bags under his eyes, bruises had begun to form along his jawline, his long hair was frizzy and all over the place, his clothes were baggy and he couldn't bare to look in one spot for more than 3 minutes. How had Dean been so oblivious? How had he not seen Sam slip through the cracks? _It is because you were too busy with yourself. How selfish are you? He is your responsibility Dean, and now he is 14 with a drug addiction and about to go to jail for murder. Good Job._

Dean couldn't do anything besides sit and watch as police cuffed Sam to the bed and began asking him questions like who was selling. Dean knew it was Ruby, and if the police didn't arrest her Dean would kill her. The officers had called for someone to escort Dean to the psych ward to be 'figured out' as they said. He was now walking into a small office that held one too many plants, he took a seat in the large leather chair that was across from the desk. Looking around the room the first thing Dean noticed was the many certificates that littered the wall and the alarming amount of gum wrappers in the trash can.

The wait was only a few minutes until a woman with deep brown hair walked in with her hair pinned back with a grim line across her face. She took a seat and Dean's escort left the room, closing the door to the small room.

"Hello Dean. I'm the hospital shrink." The older woman extended her hand and Dean apprehensively took it into his. Her face softened just a bit as she leaned bad and cleared her throat

"So I read your file. Very interesting young man you are."

"I bet." He looked away

"It says you raised your younger brother Sam. What does raising mean?"

"I looked after him, watched him. What else is raising him suppose to mean?"

"Well wasn't it your father's job to raise him? Didn't he look after and watch Sam?"

"My Dad had a hard time, we all did after Mom." Dean had assumed this lady knew about Mom, how else would she have known about Sam if they hadn't written it down in his file?

"How did you have a hard time Dean? Why did Sam fall onto your shoulders at such a young age?"

"Listen Doctor. My Dad was a great guy, it is not his fault what happened and it sure as hell isn't Sammys. I did what I had to to give Sam everything in the world, he had a good childhood and thats all that matters."

"What about your childhood Dean? How would you describe it?"

Dean sat silently. How would he describe it? Hectic, nonexistent? He had never sat down to think of himself when he was younger, his job was to make sure Sammy was happy, that he was normal. But who exactly had given him that order? It wasn't his mother whose words were only to watch over Sam, not give up his life for him. Not his father, who simply accepted when Dean took a parenting role, the order had come from Dean himself who felt the need to save Sam from being so damaged at a young age.

The only memories that stood brightly from the crowd were the absolute worst moments of his life, where Dean found himself whenever he did something wrong, reminding him that he deserved every terrible thing in his existence.

_Everyone was quiet and the house smelled like green beans. People had come into Dean's house with lots of food after they put a box in the ground. Dean rationalized everything the best a young child could, with thoughts like 'Daddy said Mommy was in the box but that was so silly cause Mommy is at work why would she go in a box?' Dean was in charge of sitting with Sam in the den while John talked to bunches of people. Bobby came by with pie, pecan, Dean's favorite kind and was bombarded the second the young boy saw him._

"_Uncle Bobby! Uncle Bobby! Come see what I taught Sammy! It's so cool!" Dean tugged upon Bobbys sleeve, dragging him back to young Sam who sat in his playpen_

_Dean kneeled up next to the playpen and turned back to make sure Bobby was watching then began to sing twinkle twinkle little star as Sam began to sing along. The smile that grew across Dean's lips was filled with pride and overwhelming love for his little brother. _

"_Isn't that so cool Uncle Bobby? I can't wait to show Mom when she gets home!" Dean stood and walked over to where Bobby was now sitting "When is Mommy coming home from work?" He asked twitching his fingers on Bobbys knee_

"_Dean…" Bobby had thought that John would take on this job of explaining that death was something people don't come back from. He picked up the small boy and cradled him against his chest. He knew things were about to get hard for Dean and Sam, they would never have a full chance at life again. _

"_She is never coming home." Johns voice filled the hollow silence, making Bobby release Dean from their embrace and stare at the man in the doorway. _

"_Yes she is Dad! You just made her super mad." The small boy now stood feet from his father, fragile fingers clenched into tight fists _

"_She is dead. She is gone!" Tears fell from the stone hard eyes of John._

"_No she isn't! She hates you! I hate you! I want to go with Mommy!"_

_A loud smack followed by a thump, followed by an ear wrenching scream. Dean covered his face, now splattered with blood and a shot of exposed bone. Bobby picked both boys up and ran out to his trunk, not sparing a glance at John. Once in the emergency room Dean was in and out of consciousness. His eye socket had been exposed, his nose broken and 2 of his teeth knocked out. _

_He was sure his mother would come see him, her boy was hurt. But as he was patched up, became aware of where he was, what had happened, the amount of pain he was in and that no one had ever brought her to him he knew. Dead meant she was gone, dead meant that she was no longer Dean's mom but Gods angel. Dead meant that Dean was now alone to protect Sammy, to give him everything Dean wanted. Everything._


	14. Clean Up Your Soul

**Really short chapter I know I know! But trust me I have to cut it up into certain segments so it flows as I want it to. I really would love it if some of yall left me some reviews since they fuel my writing. Let me know your favorite parts of the story and your not so favorite parts so far. Remember no comment is truly bad, everything can help me grow as a writer. Love you guys, hope yall forgive me for cutting this chapter down so much.**

At the end of the day Dean went to Bobby's, Sam was stuck in the hospital detoxing and they wouldn't allow him to be there. He walked into the old house and went straight to the fridge, ripping the door open and grasping a bottle of beer and twisting the cap off cutting into his palm. The bitter liquid flowed down Dean's torn up throat as he began into the bathroom, yanking the pill cabinet open and grabbing the old bottle of antidepressants he had been given when he was 15. He needed to be numb, he had done this a thousand times and could already remember the sensation that followed. Unable and uncaring to remember how many were safe to take he just slid 6 into his palm and tossed them into his mouth, with one swig of beer they were down his throat. This is what he needed, he needed an escape for a few hours where he absolutely did not have to think about anyone else. Did he even really want to be alive anymore in the first place?

Castiel was jolted awake at the sound of a loud thump from the floor below him. Quickly he rose and ran out of the room Bobby had lent to him, seeing the elderly man also out of his room with a crowbar in hand. Once the men made eye contact they began a steady trip down the steps, prepared to fight whoever or whatever was in the home. Bobby lead with Cas in the back, keeping a foot behind unable to keep his nerves undercover. Once in the kitchen they looked at each other, Bobby motioned to Cas that he was gunna have a look around the back of the salvage lot. Cas nodded and looked around the lower level of the older house, noticing that the bathroom door was shut he took a step towards it, clutching a rather heavy book in his right hand ready to swing it at whatever he found in there. Clutching the door and summoning all of his courage he shoved the door open but met the heavy resistance of Dean's slumped over body.

"Dean! Dean baby" Castiel found his way to his boyfriends side, kneeling against the tile he clutched Dean's cheeks and rubbed them "Dean hun please open your eyes, come on baby you can look at me. This isn't real. Come on baby you have to open your eyes! Open your fucking eyes Dean! Don't you fucking do this to me! Not now!" He was screaming into the pale face "Bobby! Bobby!" His voice cracked and split bursting with fright and terror.

Sam sat alone in the hospital room, two police officers standing outside his door chatting with a nurse. Tears trickled silently from his eyes as he thought of the days past. He had killed his father, nearly gotten Dean arrested, got himself arrested, had his drug addiction brought to light and now he felt like a complete mess. His head hurt, his eyes were heavy and sore, his chest was tight and sweat was stuck to every ounce of clothing touching his skin. He just wanted everything to end, is this how Dean always felt? Dean. How could he have done this to Dean? He let him down so bad this time and a sorry won't fix anything anymore. Dean always tried so hard for Sam and now Sam fucked up in a way that Dean was unable to fix.

What was his older brother doing as he sat in the hospital? Was Dean crying into Castiel's arms and begging for answers? Or sitting on his bed clutching that old family photo he held so dear? Begging for his father to be alive, begging for his mother to come up with a cure to this never ending madness and begging that the law go easy on his sick little brother? Whatever Dean was doing Sam knew one thing was for sure, the brothers would never look at each other the same.

His eyes burned, his head was ready to burst and his lungs felt like balloons with holes in them at this point. The worst part about this was having to watch every single moment of the process, them shoving the tubes down his throat, pumping his stomach, shoving IV lines into his hands. Castiel felt sick to his stomach every time his eyes landed upon Dean's face. The warm olive skin was white washed with this sickly blue tone, his lips were bright red as if he had been chewing upon them as if they were candy and the only thought that formed into Cas' brain was never seeing those grass green eyes again.

Sitting beside his beloved he found sudden anger, anger he had yet to feel since he left home. He tightened his grip onto the limp hand he was holding and ground his teeth together, more tears flowing from his eyes.

"You stupid, selfish bastard. You idiotic, short sighted fool. Why? Why can't you ever just fucking talk to me! All I ever want to do is talk to you. Every damn minute of every damn fucking day I want to know what is running across that stupid brain of yours." His grip tightened once more before loosening into an affectionate cradle "Just talk to me…. about anything… everything Dean… tell me about cars, about Sam, about anything on the fucking planet just anything to hear your voice again. Baby please open your gorgeous eyes for me. Just one more time Dean. One more." He stared upon Dean's face for two hours, waiting for a flash of green and the silence to be filled by something other than the beeping of those stupid machines keeping his stupid boyfriend alive. Finally his eyelids won the battle and Castiel slipped into a deep slumber, his worst nightmares appearing in his worst state.


End file.
